


Extinguish The Light

by TheKeeperOfFate



Series: The Lion and the Wolf [4]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/F, F/M, Fridge Horror, Heavy Angst, Horror, M/M, Mental Instability, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-05-21 13:46:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 22,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6053833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheKeeperOfFate/pseuds/TheKeeperOfFate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Have you ever wondered what would have happened if the Inquisitor or Cullen made choices that could lead to a Bad End? This work is a compilation of all the possible Bad Ends in "The Lion and the Wolf".</p><p>Warning: This work follows the canon events of "Shadows In The Light", "There Is No Light" and "So Long As We Remember" but explores the possibility of Bad Ends. I highly recommend reading those first so you understand the circumstances of characters/events before tackling "Extinguish The Light". There are no happy endings here. Brace yourself for tragedy and a lot of glares from Solas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Despair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leliana loses herself to despair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what would have happened if Josh opted to leave the Inquisition when it was reborn.

“We have no leader, no numbers and now…no Chantry support. We aren’t ready.” I spoke as I regarded the mage in front of me. He looked no more than twenty and looked about skittishly, almost on the verge of tears. From the reports I got from my agents, he was a kind hearted mage who came to stop the Mage-Templar War but lost his brother in the madness wroth by the opening of The Breach.

“But we have no choice. We must act now- with you at our side.” Cassandra affirmed and I saw Joshua wince slightly.

The Knight-Enchanter kept looking at his marked hand between questions he posed to Cassandra. He was fascinated by the Inquisition’s formation and the reasons that Cassandra declared the rebirth of the Inquisition. However, he had a hard to read look in his green eyes. It reminded me of the look Wynne gave me when I found out about her…condition during the Blight.

Every now and then, Joshua would look back at the door and sigh as he returned his gaze to the writ on the war table, given to us by Divine Justinia V (Andraste rest her soul). He then looked at me with a rueful look.

“What if I refuse?”

The question caught me off guard but I maintained my composure as I adjusted my hood.

“You can go if you wish.”

“You must know that while most see you as a savior for stopping the Breach from growing, others see you as the reason it exists. The Inquisition can protect you but only if you stay and help us. You will be alone out there.” Cassandra shook her head and I saw the mage fidget with his armor. He looked at me, then at Cassandra as she extended her hand to him. He looked at her hand then shook his head.

“I came to be a voice of reason during the peace talks and this happens…” Josh pointed to his marked hand with an angry look as it sputtered out some green sparks. His eyes seethed with hate as he backed away from us towards the door. Then I saw the hatred subside into a look of dread as tears streamed down his cheeks. “Whatever you say I am- I am a failure. I-I am sorry but I cannot stay here. I did what I had to- now I must leave.”

I felt the urge to comfort him and to tell him that we would help him through this dark time he was going through but he was too quick for me. He raced out of the Chantry as Cassandra and I followed suit. He bumped into Cullen; the Commander gave him a harsh look, making the mage buckle away as Josh looked at him flushed for a moment.

“What are you looking at?” Cullen growled as he looked Josh then at me but returned his gaze to the mage when he saw Josh cry out when his mark sprang to life.

Cassandra managed to catch hold of the mage’s arm in that moment but he looked at Cullen in disbelief, then at Cassandra and me with the saddest look I had ever seen in my life while his mark flared up several times.

“I am so sorry Sir Knight! I didn’t mean to-” Josh murmured as he fade cloaked out of the Seeker’s grasp and simply vanished. “Please forgive me.”

“Wasn’t that the Herald?” Cullen looked at me with concern. “He…We should go after him!”

I nodded as I arranged for my agents to look for him while Cassandra and Josie kept Haven under control. Cullen got some of his soldiers to comb the area in case my agents were unable to find him. I prayed that the Maker would keep him safe. We needed him. 

Solas looked at Cullen for the next few weeks with anger. The elf was a mystery but he was always cool-headed. It was weird for him to simply get angry with Cullen. From what I could tell, Cullen was on good terms with the fade expert so his behavior was…odd. 

Josh was gone. He simply vanished. My agents had no luck tracking him and we resigned ourselves to deal with the Breach without his help. His sister, Alara soon arrived and was dumbstruck by the news of her brother’s disappearance. She too, was marked by The Breach.

 

\---

 

A month later after his departure, Alara looked at me with a knowing look as Cole rushed into the Chantry during the Elder One’s assault. He apologized for being late as he needed to steal a trophy from Samson as proof. (Proof?) I saw Cullen noticeably cringe at mention of the addict’s name.

The spirit gave Cullen a sorrowful glance as he handed the former-templar a bloodied sack. The Commander was disgusted by it at first and opted to toss it away until the spirit spoke and pointed to a soft green glow emitting from the sack. (No. Maker no…) Alara covered her eyes and moved away before she broke down. She stood facing the doors, her eyes welling up with tears as her hands shook uncontrollably while Solas held her tight in an embrace. He glared at Cullen then returned his gaze to the elf crying in his arms.

“He was sorry for bumping into you. He thought that you were too handsome to be real and that you needed to smile. Now he will never see it.” Cole said in cold monotone. “Heart pounding, breathless, mind fogged from hunger- He found me! I need to run! I-“

“What?” Cullen looked at the forgotten boy with a raised blonde brow.

“It was like drowning- sounds everywhere, water filling you up until there’s nothing left to fill. He saw your face, you were very angry when he saw you. I couldn’t help him see your smile.”  

I moved closer as Cullen opened the sack and immediately dropped it to the ground with a sob. He ran for an urn and began to throw up. Cole shook his head in sorrow as he covered the severed hand with the sack.

Josie ran to assist Cullen while Alara, Solas and I moved to reinforce the Chantry for the assault to come with pews and barrels but I stood ready as the sounds of screams came closer and closer. Solas threw a barrier on us while I drew my bow and prayed for all of us. (Andraste save us…)

Once Cullen recovered, he told Josie to hide while he drew his sword and shield. He rushed the first wave of Red Templars that broke through and managed to fell a few between our arrows and his blade but the smell of burnt flesh and blood filled me when I saw Cassandra’s lifeless eyes staring in the Chantry’s direction amongst the bodies of the Inner Circle. 

We were the last survivors of Haven and Joshua was dead. Soon everyone was dead.

We failed him. I should have forced him to stay, even if he hated us all for it, he would be alive. I should never have given him the chance to leave the Inquisition…

I failed him just as I failed Justinia V.

 


	2. Helplessness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen finds himself and the Inquistion, helpless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what would have happened if Joshua chickened out at the last second and decided not to confess his feelings to Cullen at Haven. Things...unravel from there badly.

For the most part, Joshua and I got along rather well. We spoke at length about combat tactics and I had to admit, he had some good ideas to improve our soldiers morale and their efficiency out on the field. When he wasn’t training alone, we sat together to chat. He was a lot like Madame de Fer, a Loyalist but I could see that he was troubled in some ways. He didn’t want to be a Loyalist anymore- that much was clear from his chats with me. He believed in the Circle and Templars but for some reason that I could not understand, he didn’t support his people anymore. (Odd)

The real oddity however was that Josh always acted weird around me when he was alone in my company.

For one, he always stammered in my presence. According to Varric and the others, he was fine around them- he only messed up his words when he was around me, which was strange. Despite that, he would always find some paltry excuse to spend time with me, not that I minded. I enjoyed his company. He was interesting enough to chat with. Also, for a mage he was quite fit so our spars were riveting and inspired my men to fight hard because apparently, my mage friend could hit harder than them. I had found a friend- an actual mage friend. (For once)

For some reason, the moment before we chat, he always had this sad, distant look as if longing for a different life. He would stare at nothing for a moment then he would stammer in my presence. Then one day, he didn’t show up for lunch at the tavern and I had to eat alone. Afterward, I sought him out and found that his cabin was locked from the inside, the shutters closed. I knocked at his door.

“Joshua?”

I knocked again.

“Joshua? Are you alright? You didn’t come for lunch…and I uh…I’m a bit concerned…”

There was still no answer. I knocked for a good few minutes and left the cabin with a heavy heart as I returned to putting my new recruits through drills.

At a brief war council that night, the Knight-Enchanter was absent but Leliana explained that he was feeling ill and didn’t want to be disturbed. (Oh- Alright) Josephine had a worried look but the Hands of the Divine assured us that the mage would be fine: Solas made a poultice for him and sent him to bed.

 After the meeting, I retreated to my favorite haunt: the frozen pier. It was a nightly ritual to sit there and contemplate over the day’s happenings but I was surprised see Josh there, he shivered from the cold and sniffled with a fennec fur blanket wrapped around him, his marked hand flaring up with green light clutched closely to his heart. I slipped down beside him while he was deep in thought and the mage let out a yelp when I cleared my throat.

“Why are you avoiding me Josh? Is something wrong?” I asked as I turned to the mage in question with downturned eyes. I placed a gloved hand on his shoulder and he noticeably flushed at my touch. He shook his head. “You can tell me anything. I’m here for you, my friend.”

The mage gave me a long, drawn out look and then shook his head again. His skin flushed as he got up and frowned at me.

“I’m sorry Cullen.”

“What for- wait!” Josh raced off; his blanket fell down to the snow as he moved for his cabin wearing a black tunic and grey breeches with no shoes. (Barefoot? It’s so cold out here) It looked like the blanket barely kept the cold winds at bay as I scooped it up and followed the mage. I rapped at his door fervently as he closed the shutters. I pulled at handle and cursed him for locking it. (Damn it Josh!)

“Josh! What’s bothering you? Talk to me…please!”

“G-Go away!”

“No. I’ll sleep outside until you open up.” I rasped as I heard him move to his bed. I moved to the window nearest to the bed and settled down in the snow and wrapped myself in the blanket. That was when I heard it. He was crying. “Josh…I’m here for you.”

“I-I know.” The mage stammered between sobs. Each time he wept I felt my blood churn. I wanted to hold him tight and to tell him that whatever he was going through…that he’d be alright. He didn’t have to keep it inside. We were friends, the best of friends. I loved his company. He only needed to tell me what was wrong so I could help him through it.

“Talk to me. Please.”

“This is something no one can fix. This is something I must endure alone. Please go. The night is frigid and I would hate for you to catch cold because of me.” Josh murmured as I heard a bottle uncork and him swallowing its contents. Probably ale to warm him up.

“To hell with the cold- I’ll sleep here! You need me Josh. I won’t leave a friend in need.”

After a long moment of silence, I heard Josh move to the window and his sobs subsided.

“I…alright.” Josh said as I heard the shutter above me open and I turned to look at the tired mage. He had dark bags under his eyes and a smile on his lips as he leaned on the windowsill and nodded. “C-Come inside. You’re not sleeping in the snow, Commander.”

“You do realize there’s a door right there?” I pointed to the locked door as Joshua moved away from the window so I could climb through it and threw the blanket on his bed. The cabin was dimly lit and the mage looked relieved as he moved to close the window. He let out a small chuckle as he shook his head.

“I…am not in the best state of mind.” Josh admitted as he swayed slightly. He moved over to the center of the cabin and extended a hand to me. At first I stood confused but then I realized what he wanted. (A…dance?)

“I don’t- I am not a g-good dancer…” I flushed as Josh moved closer and shook his head. He took hold of my hands and placed one on his shoulder and the other on his hip. The mage closed his eyes with a content look as he slowly moved, making sure to guide my movements with his own. In that moment, I felt my cheeks flare up with heat as my hands became sweaty. A few times I stumbled and ended up knocking into the mage but he didn’t seem to mind as he corrected the movement and returned to guiding me along.

“Follow me. D-Don’t worry about mistakes. I make them too.” Josh nodded as he quickened the tempo and we swirled about the cabin, dancing to no music at all but the sound of my heart pounding in my chest.

“Why…are we dancing? We ought to be talking about whatever’s bothering you.”

“It’s not important anymore. I wanted a last dance before I…” (Before what?) Josh trailed off and looked at me sadly. “I’d like to sing to you, if you don’t mind.”

I gave the mage an unconvinced look and he shot me a raspberry.

“I…I’ll have you know. I can sing- very nicely I might add!”

I snorted as I broke into a laugh. The mage looked at me, fuming as his tanned skin turned red and his eyes closed as he shook his head in disdain.

 

Here we are

Riding the sky

Painting the night with sun

 

My eyes immediately moved to Josh’s moving mouth as the sweetest, most serene voice I ever heard climbed over my laughter and I looked at the mage in disbelief, his eyes closed and his cheeks rosy as he continued the song. I was in awe. (…Wow)

 

You and I, mirrors of light

Twin flames of fire

Lit in another time and space

 

I knew your name

I knew your face

Your love and grace

Past and present now embrace

Worlds collide in inner space

Unstoppable, the song we play…

 

“Are you…courting me, Joshua?”

The mage stopped his movements instantly; his eyes held a look of panic and revulsion as he pulled away from me and let out a small cuss. He shook his head feverishly.

“…I didn’t mean- I…wanted to- but I…p-please forgive me. I am so s-sorry. It was foolish of me. A last moment before…I…before-” The mage stammered frantically, I caught hold of his hands and the mage looked at me in confusion as I rubbed my fingers over cold knuckles.

“Before what?” I asked with a worried look as the mage began to cry. Tears glided down reddened flesh as I pulled him into a hug. The mage whimpered as I wrapped my arms around him so that we were flush to each other’s chests. My heart was racing but Maker; I could feel Joshua’s heart pounding so loudly. It was almost too fast. “Do you have feelings for me?”

“Yes.” And there it was. Josh’s confession surprised me. His actions finally made complete sense. The Knight-Enchanter turned away from me briefly but I stopped him by touching his cheek and returning his gaze to me. His skin was cold against me, he looked at me sadly. “It’s wrong. I shouldn’t have…”

“It’s okay.” I admitted as I moved my hand to his hands and smiled at him genuinely. His expression changed to one of bamboozlement. “I…am flattered.”

“But you cannot return my feelings.” Josh murmured almost silently. “I…understand.”

“Josh…” I started as I pulled away and rubbed at the tears forming. “Were you anticipating rejection all this time?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Josh said as he moved to turn but he fell down into my arms. I held him upright and I saw blood dripping from his nose, his mouth and then his eyes. I let out a yell as I pulled him over to his bed and tried my best to wipe at the blood but more flowed out from him. He started to cough blood erratically and grabbed onto my arm as I moved to find help- Solas, Vivienne…anybody! “It’s b-better this way.”

“Josh!? What did you do?!”

“It was too much…the Conclave, the mark, the Inquisition…you. I can’t do this Cullen. My heart is ragged and raw and I…want my suffering to end. I sleep and I see demons everywhere! They torment me- I cannot hide- There is something ‘wrong’ with me Cullen. The demons are everywhere and I am not strong enough to weather the s-storm…” Josh pointed to a small vial on the end table; I recognized it from my time in Kirkwall. It was Adder’s Kiss, a common poison used by mages who wanted out of the Circle and didn’t want Tranquility. Unfortunately, I handled many cases of suicide. (It won’t be long.)

“Don’t say that! You can’t want this!” I roared and the mage merely shook his head.

“Perhaps, but my life was filled with pain. Everyone wants a Herald. I am no one- a man with a heart, broken twice over.” Josh smiled as he brought his hand to my cheek and he looked at me with love in his eyes. “Maker you are incredibly handsome- the best friend I could ever have…P-Please forgive me, Cullen. I am n-not strong enough for all this…I just want peace- I want…”

“Josh…” I cried as my vision grew blur from the tears forming. They fell and I heard the Knight-Enchanter chuckle. 

“Oh C-Cullen…” He said as he traced my scar and grinned to himself, blood still oozing out of him as he looked at me lovingly as I wiped the blood away with the blanket. “M-Ma serannas, ma…nas’falon.”

“I don’t understand what you’re saying, my friend.”

“I said: ’Thank you, my soul f-friend’…” 

“Soul friend?”

“The type of friend that only comes once in l-life…a true friend. T-Thank you…”

Josh wheezed as he closed his eyes and his hand dropped down from my cheek to his chest, the mark flared up then died down entirely. In that moment, I felt my entire world shatter. He was my friend- my friend who loved me and…I failed to see it. 

(I am sorry Josh)

 

\---

 

Teyrn Trevelyan came to Haven personally after Alara’s arrival. (Josh’s sister is an elf?) Needless to say, he was angry- fucking angry for what happened. He basically declared war with the Inquisition- with me in particular. He looked at me with soul-crushing hatred as he entered the war room and saw Josh’s body being tended to by Vivienne and Solas- He stated that Ostwick would not be supporting the Inquisition, not after what it had done to his son. He then looked away and shook his head as the mages left, I saw Solas give me a glare as he passed.

“I should have forced him to remain behind- should have hardened him myself…You ser, are a plague- an aberration. Just like Ser Jason.”

A distraught Josephine attempted to interrupt but the Teyrna silenced her with a finger as she entered the room. Leliana shook her head as she moved to Josephine and attempted to calm the ambassador down.

“Ser Jason?” I asked in confusion.

“Oh my poor darling…” Lady Trevelyan hissed loudly as she touched her son’s forehead then turned to me, her eyes cold and calculating as she sized me up. She reminded me of Madame de Fer but this woman, there was something very disturbing about the way she looked at me. It was almost as if she had no emotion in her eyes. “Did you think yourself as remotely good enough for my son? That you were his first infatuation?”

“I didn’t think a-“

“That’s right. You didn’t. This Inquisition is a travesty. Make sure they receive no aid, Callum dear. I want them to suffer for our losses.”

“Of course, Aurelia.” Josh’s father nodded as he took hold of Alara’s marked hand and dragged her to the entrance. She gave me a sad, pleading look as Callum slammed the Chantry door shut behind them.

“You can’t do this! Please use reason!” Josephine cried but Leliana silenced her from further retaliations with a glare.  

“I suggest you shut up now, Antivan slut. I have contacts all over Thedas who will ruin you and your merry band of misfits. My son lies dead and you expect reason? No my dear. I am beyond reason. Maxwell is dead. Joshua is dead. To the Fade with you if you think I’ll let you take Alara as well.”

“But he was disowned! We didn’t do anything to him! He-“

“Maker bless you Seeker! For a woman of your standing to say such- Amazing! Simply amazing!” Aurelia moved to Cassandra and brought her hand hard across the Seeker’s cheek. Cassandra looked at her in shock as the noblewoman paced about and lashed out with her tongue. “Disowned or not- He was a bloody Trevelyan, you whore! I don’t care if you did nothing to him! He died in your care and you will fucking pay for the loss, dearly!”

She then turned to me and smiled. (Oh crap…)

“You are such a handsome fellow. I understand my son now, he saw you and fell in love immediately. Oh yes…” The woman sneered as she touched my cheek and lifted my chin. “My Josh is- was like that. If he saw a thirsty ant, he’d stop to offer it a drop of water- He loved so…completely- so innocently with no regard to himself. He probably loved you more than life and that is why he chose death.”

“Excuse me?”

“Dear Commander, my foolish son died because of his amorous feelings for you. Poison might have ended him but it was him loving you that drove him to…this.” The woman pulled away and smiled frigidly as she moved over to the doors and motioned to Callum who returned. He moved over to his son’s body and picked him up with a sad look in his eyes and he looked at me briefly. He then left whilst Aurelia grinned. “’Modest in temper, bold in deed’ Indeed, that was Maxwell and Joshua- Alara to an extent as well.” 

“But we need Alara-“ I tried to speak but the woman silenced me with a defiant stare. She was terrifying. (Ugh this woman…)

“Behold helplessness, my dears. No one will help you now. My son lies dead and you will pay dearly. Now run along, I’m sure you have another suitor to euthanize, Commander.” The woman pushed several people (even Vivienne) out of her way as she moved to the entrance and gave me a sinister look. "Pray you never cross parts with me again darling- or you will be the next dress I wear to Lucille’s soiree.”

 


	3. Rage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vivienne sees what blind rage can do to friends who once cared for each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what would have happened if Cullen reacted badly to Joshua's confession in Haven. ;_;  
> (Thank you SassyInquisitor! ^_^)

The Inquisition was a much needed organization to bring order to this chaotic world and the Herald of Andraste was a light in the shadow, a beacon of hope of those who needed a reason to believe.

He was also an emotional young man, gifted in the arts of magic and beguiling others with his wit. As charming as he was, the boy was quite the fool when it came to befriending others. While I had no qualms that Commander Cullen was a fine, upstanding man…I would not forget that he was and always will be a templar at heart. (Ugh)

I myself never had any real problems with the Templars, I knew that Joshua had the same experience and I was glad for him, but it was never a good idea to cozy up to a templar. For the moment, they have been at each other’s sides as friends and I hoped that it would remain such. After Lydia’s letter arrived…Maker’s mercy- The boy needed a friend, even if it was a Fereldan templar. (Ugh…)

One night, I was quite restless and I decided to brew up some ginger tea to warm me up while I read a good book: One of Varric’s tales. The dwarf had a way with words, I admit and I was particularly enjoying Hard in Hightown. It’s horrible name aside, it was an exciting read. (Thank you for signing my copy Varric.)

 Soldiers passed through the chantry hall every now and then with a few letters or a raven in hand. I saw Josephine look at me exasperated as she sighed after dismissing her diplomats. Poor girl- I set down the book, I then called her over and offered her a cup. (Looks like you need it badly, my dear)

“Thank you, Madame Vivienne.” The ambassador chimed as she settled into the seat opposite me. Her eyes looked weary as she sipped the tea and smiled to herself as she looked at me briefly. “Ah…much better.”

“Anything I can help with, my dear?”

“Not for the moment. Lord Trevelyan’s family has been making a fuss since supplying us with lyrium and several coffers of gold. It was decided to let them bark amongst themselves for the moment. The Herald is under the weather for now and Master Solas has given him some medicine to take the fever away. Joshua need not know how unstable the situation is with his family, for now at least.”

“I approve of your actions but I will warn you, darling. Aurelia and Callum Trevelyan might seem like your standard uppity noble House from the Free Marches but they are quite influential, especially in Orlais. Celene knows better than to disregard them: Briala has found their aid quite useful in foiling Celene and Gaspard’s plans.”

“Oh dear…I’ve dealt with them a few times before but I didn’t realize they had that much influence. The Trevelyan’s sound frightening.”

“They are, but one must learn to dance to their tune and to move to your own tune when required. Callum is a good man. He…is simple minded in that he wants what is best for his children, while not the most talkative of men, expect him to comment if he feels a need to. Now Aurelia- she’s the problem.”

“Oh yes, we’ve had quite a few missives from her. I managed to put out a lot of fires to secure their trust and aid but truly, the woman is a demon in disguise.” Josephine giggled as she took another sip. I couldn’t help but nod in understanding. I had dealt with the woman a few times in behalf of Lydia. Aurelia hated me for it but I did not care- not in the slightest.

“Good to see Leliana’s trust in your skills was well placed. Aurelia is an shrewd woman. Expect trouble from everything she says, even if it is good- it’s probably bad in disguise.” I sipped the last of my tea and set down the empty cup on the desk beside us. “Joshua is lucky. His upbringing was not the most loving with a woman like that around but it’s helped him somewhat.”

“Indeed. I was worried at first, but he is quite charming isn’t he? And so innocent as well!” Josephine flushed slightly and I laughed.

“Oh my dear, is it my imagination or do you have a crush on our Herald?”

“N-Not at all!” The ambassador twirled a few locks of hair in her fingers and stammered as she spoke. “He is quite handsome and I am not blind, Madame Vivienne. I am surprised that he doesn’t have the women of Haven lining up for courtship.” (I am not surprised at all, my dear)

“Well, he is the Herald of Andraste. I would think that Joshua would court someone eventually; he is such a gentle soul. He deserves a bit of happiness in his life.”

“You make it sound like he’s been through much. Aside from surviving his family and the Conclave, I mean.”

“He has.” I sighed as I pulled the letter from my bag and handed it to Josephine. I explained to her that it needed veilfire to be read “He was T-“ 

A loud scream filled the air, cutting me off. I bolted to my feet in that moment and reached for my staff as my heart quickened at the sounds of shouts and screams, distant but near enough to be trouble. Josephine looked horrified as Leliana came running with Cassandra from the War Room.

“My dear, stay here. We will find out what is happening.” I nodded to her as she turned to move for her office. The ladies and I darted towards the entrance of Haven. 

Cassandra had a resolute look as I took point and saw Sera standing at the doors, pointing to an elven servant cowering near the frozen pier. As we approached her, she bolted to the village in tears- the rest of Haven however came running outside as well.

 I heard Cullen roaring out in anger, striking someone hard as the sound of a fist hitting flesh echoed out while Blackwall’s grunts echoed out between the former-templar’s roars. Leliana urged the villagers and soldiers to stay put as we approached to see what was happening. 

When we passed the bushes, a gasp left my lips and I immediately felt my blood churn as Cullen struck again despite Blackwall holding him back. His victim took no efforts to fight back and was covered in various bruises, his head bleeding and his eyes closed, blue and black. He was in the snow, a mess of writhing flesh as he looked at the Commander in disbelief, tears flowing with each blow that struck. (Sweet Andraste! What the hell is happening here?! Cullen!?)

“How could I ever- You are a foolish mage. Deceitful and selfish little shit! Me? Love a man like you? Pah! Never!” Cullen rasped as he approached Joshua to kick him but Iron Bull pushed through the crowd before any of us could act.

“Ashkost kata, bas! He doesn’t deserve this!” Bull rushed him down and a fight ensued between them. I moved with Solas to Joshua’s side while Blackwall and the others tried to break Bull and the Commander up. The Herald was banged up badly. He needed some salves and a few healing potions. We also needed to see if there was any internal bleeding.

“I’msorryCullensorryCullensorryCullensorryCullensorry…PleaseCullen-” Josh croaked between his cries of pain and coughs. He sounded like he was having trouble breathing as he wheezed for air and cried. “Forgivemepleasemyfriend…Don’thurtmeplease…I’msorry!”

“I’m here my dear. No one will hurt you.” I affirmed as I stroked his bearded cheek. “Rest. We will take care of you.”

“Listen to Vivienne, lethallin! We are all here! We will keep you safe!” Solas touched his hand and I nodded to the elf as he sat beside me and helped to keep him still.

“His lung is bruised and he has a concussion. I will check for any broken bones. Dalish! We need some bandages here!” Stitches spoke as the elf ran off to get the bandages; he moved his hands about Josh’s body to feel for any broken bones. The mage didn’t even respond to any of us as Cassandra drew near with a sad look. She looked over at Cullen with a glare and took Josh’s hand, a low prayer on her lips as Josh murmured out his apologies for the Commander to forgive him. (Forgiveness? For a declaration of love? No my dear. No apologies can fix this.)

Dalish returned with the bandages and handed them to me, as I was about to wrap his chest and head with it, Joshua fade cloaked. Both Bull and Cullen stopped in their tracks when they heard everyone gasp in horror. In that same moment, the Herald reappeared on the frozen lake, frantically limping away as the crowd moved to help him. He was groaning in pain as he moved.

Bull moved to hit Cullen but I called him off and moved over to the bruised Commander with hatred in my eyes as I intoned ice so that he was immobile and harmless.

“Leave us. See to Joshua. I will take care of this piece of filth.” The Iron Bull nodded reluctantly as he led the rest of the group and his Chargers towards the Herald, who collapsed mid-walk and ended up face first on the ice. Cullen’s eyes looked sorrowful now as it moved between me and Sera, who remained behind with a look of anger on her face. “You should leave as well my dear. What I have to say is not pretty.”

“Nah. I wanna hear what you gonna say to this shitebag, I have some shite to get clear as well, bloody arse-biscuit.” The elf stomped her feet and for once I could sympathize with her. What happened was a great injustice to our dear Herald.

“Very well.” I cupped Cullen’s jaw and he looked at me with a fiery look as I moved about him, sizing him up and shaking my head. “Do you know why Joshua told you of his feelings, Commander?”

“Because he’s a selfish bastard who thinks he loves me- He can’t be in love with me! It’s not possible!”

“Not possible?” Oh my, what a fool. “My dear, you truly are a mongrel from Ferelden. You see, he needed to tell you. The point being that if he didn’t, the feelings would have consumed him and he would have died from a broken heart.”

“What does this have to do with me? I didn’t ask him to fall for me. Is he so weak that heartbreak could kill him? Pathetic!”

“He is not weak. He was Tranquil for a short moment of his life but it has shaped his existence ever since. He cannot keep how he feels inside.” Sera let out a gasp of horror as I turned to look at her, I then looked back at the warrior and he looked mortified. “Joshua telling you how he felt was the ultimate show of affection that he as a friend could show you. He knew he would get his heart broken. He knew that you could never return his feelings but he felt that you needed to know because you are- were his friend, his best friend by the looks of it. Unfortunately that is not longer the case my dear, for you are an atrocious friend- Not even worthy of our dear Red Jenny over here.”

“My…best friend?”

“Oh yes…Imagine the courage it took for him to admit his feelings. Instead of comforting him, instead of showing any modicum empathy or even pity, you abused him!” I said as I gripped at his chin and made sure that my nails bit down into his flesh. “What kind of man are you? A coward?”

Cullen let out a yelp as I ripped my fingers away from him and circled around him. Sera looked at him with seething eyes as she looked at the Commander, then at the Herald in the distance.

“He’s worse than a fucking coward. He hits people who love him. Piss-bucket fuck up you are! I hate you!”

“Colorful but true. From what I saw, he allowed you to strike him. He did not fight back. He did not bother because he felt that the punishment was warranted. Do you know who don’t defend themselves from harm? The Tranquil!” I shouted as I stood in front of him. Cassandra ran back from the Herald with a deadpan glare as she approached us. “Do you know what he said as we tried to heal him? He begged for your forgiveness! He cried like a child! He begged for you to stop hurting him even after you stopped hitting him! Tell me Commander, what would you gain by beating up a man who genuinely cares about you?! Does it please you to see him battered up? The man can barely breathe!”

“I…” Cullen broke down in tears but Cassandra was not satisfied. I dispelled my ice and the Seeker struck him hard with a fist to his jaw as he dropped to the snow into a ball of pain, he spat out blood onto the snow. “I…deserved that.”

“You deserve worse. The….Herald…” Cassandra slurred as she looked briefly at the crowd on the ice and turned back to Cullen with an angry look. “Joshua is beyond saving.”

“B-Beyond saving?” (No…) I asked the Seeker with a horrified look. She nodded. Sera looked at her, a look of utter hatred on her face as she began to cry she moved to hit the Commander but I stopped her with a firm hand. 

“He will suffer, my dear. He is not worthy of your hand.” The elf looked at me with moist cheeks as she broke down in tears. I held onto her hand to reassure her that I was there and then I glowered at Cullen.

“The Herald refuses to reason. He only murmurs apology after apology, begging Cullen to forgive him. He doesn’t know us- he only knows Cullen. It is the only name he invokes. This is worse than Tranquility, Madame de Fer. Solas says that his mind has been shattered beyond repair and that even if Josh were to recover, he would never be able to function on his own. Every single thing he says is to mollify Cullen. It…is- Maker forgive me…” Cassandra began to tear up as she spoke to us. “If I knew how precarious things were…Andraste- this is worse than death even. We need him but I would grant him a clean death. This is no way to live.”

Cassandra then moved over to Cullen and punched him again. He mumbled out a stifled admission of guilt as she turned towards the group of soldiers moving the Herald back to Haven.

“He shouldn’t have to live like this- not for the sinless act of confessing his love for a man like you.”

“I…I know.”

“Do you?” Cassandra hissed as she kicked Cullen to the ground and drew her blade as the rest of the Inquisition returned and surrounded the area, all glaring at the Commander. “We are not angry for the fact that we lost our Herald today. We are not angry for him confessing you that he loved you. We are angry for the mere fact that you, as his friend chose to abuse him instead of trying to understand where he was coming from. He loves you, Cullen and I cannot understand it. It is not that you are both men. It is that you are cruel.”

“I am sorry! Please…let me see him!” Cullen begged as he looked at everyone pleadingly.

“Why? So you can finish the job?” Varric muttered as he pushed out from the crowd. He shook his head and moved beside Cassandra. I had to hold in a chuckle when I saw how astonished Cassandra looked when he supported her and drew his crossbow, his aim fixed on Cullen. “No Curly. You didn’t want to become like Meredith, well guess what? You are the worst kind of templar. A mage loved you. He was your friend. All you had to do was tell him that you couldn’t return his feelings and that would be the end of it. He was just a kid! Damn you Curly…you broke him.”

Cullen fell silent as Cassandra pulled him to his feet and pointed to the village.

“Death is not enough for you. Soldiers! Chain him and place him in a cell. We will deal with him after…the Herald comes to.”

“Comes to?“ Cullen asked with a worried look as he was slowly led to back into Haven, seemingly not concerned for himself but for Joshua. Leliana shook her head as she ordered Argent to watch over him with a few other agents as well.

“Joshua is…comatose. I wish you could have seen the look in his eyes. He loves you still. All he wants is your forgiveness- but he will not get it for there is nothing to forgive. Maker have mercy…for a friend to viciously assail another for the mere confession that he loves the other- Andraste save us all.” 

 

\---

 

Three weeks later, Joshua awoke of his coma. Unsurprisingly, the only word he said was “Cullen”.

Alara arrived a few days later (thank the Maker) and was horrified to see the state that her brother was in. She met briefly with Cullen. She slapped him a few times and made a scene but it was within reason. The archer took her brother’s place in the Inquisition but the organization was still reeling from the loss it incurred.

There was a commotion one night in the chantry, it had awoken me abruptly from a rather serene dream I had (…Ugh) and I found myself forced to investigate the noise being made by several agents of Sister Nightingale. Leliana was unsure what to make of the confused looks her agents had as they merely pointed to the dungeon and said nothing more. I was tired and needed my beauty rest lest I end up looking like Sera, so I opted to go and check on Cullen.

I descended into the dungeons with a lantern and Leliana at my side as Argent and Charter sought out Rylen, Josephine and the others. What I saw in Cullen’s cell brought me pause. 

Cullen was fast asleep, leaning against the stone wall beside the iron bars of the cell. Next to him, clutched tight to Cullen’s bare arm was Joshua still in his pajamas, a happy grin on his face as he snored slightly. His bruises were less and he still coughed as he slept but it was a very tender moment that we were intruding. (I cannot deny it, Josh must really love him)

As we approached, Leliana inspected the lock and confirmed that Josh used his fade cloak to phase through the bars. What we didn’t know was whether Cullen knew if Josh was at his side or not. The spymaster motioned me to remain still and silent as she slowly moved to the pair and began to coax Josh away from Cullen, limb by limb. However, it was not to be.

“What is the problem?” Cassandra mouthed as she entered with Rylen in tow. The Commander realized her mistake too late and attempted to cover her mouth with his hands, unfortunately, it roused Josh from his sleep and he pulled away from Leliana with a scared look in his eyes as he clung to Cullen who stirred in his sleep but didn’t awaken yet.

“Ir emma enfanim ma falon! Halani ma vherain!” Joshua cried as he pulled at Cullen’s tunic. The former templar opened his eyes groggily but yelped in bamboozlement as he pulled away from Leliana and Josh. The movement spurred the mage to seek his comfort and I watched in horror as he pushed himself against Cullen and curled into a ball and covered his eyes frantically. “Venavis! Tel’ven! Ir u...”

Josh then began to cry and my gaze softened as Cullen reached for him and wrapped an arm around his torso. We all stood in awe as Josh continued to cry while Cullen looked at us with sadness in his eyes, holding tight onto the mage crying in his arms.

“I don’t understand what you are saying…” The former commander admitted as he shrugged. (Neither do we, Ser Obvious)

“He is afraid for himself and for you. He wants your help. He doesn’t want you to go. He’s lonely. Everything frightens him…except you.” Alara walked into the room with a remorseful look in her eyes. Solas followed suit and nodded at her translation. Josh’s sister frowned as Solas approached the cell and shook his head.

“Ar nadas suledin la vherain ma sulevin. Sahlin, souveri ma vhenan. Vherain inan abelas. Ma halam vhenan tel’vherain! Emma abelas, lethallin. Tel’vherain ma din’an!”

“Josh is now in a state of…Tranquility- but not quite. He cannot be cured.” Solas explained. My mouth fell open at the same time as Cullen’s did. He looked hopeless in that moment as the mage snuggled against him and whispered in elven. “He…is like a spirit in some ways. He is Purpose and his “purpose” is “Cullen”. If you take Cullen out of his life, he will fall apart and his mind with wither away until all that is left is an empty shell- worse than Tranquility, worse than death.”

I watched as Cullen stroked the dark blonde's hairline in sadness as the mage cooed into his touch. It was horrifying to think of what Cullen did to him and that Solas was correct- that removing Cullen from his life would break him further. The Inquisition was at a standstill at that moment as we watched them, unsure what to do next. (…This has to be a bad dream!)

“I am so sorry, Josh.” Cullen cried as his tears began to flow but Josh wiped his tears and shook his head, a look of submission in his green eyes as he hugged Cullen, making the blonde look at him then at us with concern.

“Tel’abelas, ma falon. Ir abelas mirthadra vherain.” 


	4. Envy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joshua succumbs to Envy against his will. The results are...horrifying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what would have happened if Josh was unable to tear his gaze from Envy!Cullen's eyes.

The ground was cold and damp with bits of grass about as a cold feeling washed over me, akin to being plunged into a tub of ice cold water. I scrambled to my feet, half dazed as I looked about in confusion as greenish mist filled the air and filled me with a perpetual feeling of disgust. (Maker…I feel so…queasy)

From what I could tell, I was inside a chantry. It had the same stone work of Haven’s chantry. In fact, I was pretty sure that I was back in Haven- or at least some figment of Haven. As I was about to move to inspect a nearby charred corpse, a door to my left swung open and Leliana walked towards me with an unsettling look on her gorgeous face. She moved gracefully with a dagger in her hands and watched me intently as I shifted under her gaze.

“Does this form please you?” (It does…) And there it was. The voice of the bard mashed together with the voice of Envy. I knew what she was claiming to be at that moment and shook my head slightly as she moved about the room, the dagger twirling about her fingers as spoke mockingly. “Being the Lord Seeker was fun, but I’d wager being you would entertain me more, wouldn’t you agree Herald? I will be you. You’ll enjoy it.”

“I do not fear you, Envy.” I growled as I tried to catch the demon off guard. I darted forward and slashed with my spirit blade but the bard was quick. She dissipated into the mist, driving me to stop in my tracks. A loud, booming voice, mocking and cruel spoke but the words were jumbled together so I didn’t understand them. The voice rang out from everywhere. There was no way for me to find its source. (At least not at the moment)

“The Tranquil never disobey.” I heard it in his voice. (Oh Maker…that voice) I felt a shiver run down my spine as the words suddenly hit me. Tranquil? Why is Cullen calling me Tranquil? I turned around and there he was- his sword at his hip, his hand on the pommel of the blade and a grin on his face that left me flustered and breathless as I took in his flawless face. “How can you?” (What are you implying?!)

“Tranquil? That isn’t right. Don’t listen! He’s-“ I heard a voice in the back of my mind. It was familiar but distant and soon died down. (I’ve heard you before. Who are you? What are you?)

“I am not Tranquil, demon!” I shouted but Cullen looked behind me in disregard.

“Whatever you say, Tranquil; I will know you.” A voice I immediately recognized spoke in a joyful tone that frightened me. Alara stepped out from behind me and moved to Cullen. He ignored her as she drew his blade and held it to the Commander’s neck with a sick smile on her face. “Observe.”

She slit his throat and I fell to my knees, my vision hazy from the tears falling to my cheeks. I saw Cullen fall to the ground, blood oozing from the cut at his jugular. I wanted to move to cradle his corpse or even to run, but I found myself transfixed in place as his amber eyes stayed open and I could not look away.

“Don’t look.” The voice got closer this time but was still out of reach. I recalled a boy with blonde hair and a large, unwieldy hat that looked perfect on him but I could not for the life of me recall his name. Was he a…demon or something like that? 

“I will know you.” Alara giggled as she moved past me, leaving me as I looked into his dead eyes in horror. They stared right through me, burning into my mind, holding my eyes fast to his as I looked. Try as I might to look away…I could not and my heart pounded. 

Envy laughed, everywhere but nowhere at all as his voice filled the area. I tried to pry my eyes away again but the compulsion was too strong and I was fixed on Cullen’s eyes. Each moment I looked, Envy’s laughs became louder and my heart pounded faster as the tears flowed more freely. His dead, brown eyes stared holes into my own. (Look away damn it!)

“There are so much of you and him to learn! Not too much at all, I must break you down and glean the pieces of him. Bit by bit, I will learn again and again- this perfect!” Envy cried in glee as my eyes pulled away from Cullen’s. I got a brief respite to wipe my eyes but I was soon dragged to my feet and pushed backward by the Commander. “I am Envy and I will know you! You will look into my eyes and you will show me everything. I will be you. And I will be him.”

I managed to stop myself from falling down to the ground but as I turned to face the demon, he was gone. I looked about frantically to find him but there was no one in sight. I tensed up when I felt a rough hand grasp my arm and I saw Cullen look at me with a lecherous look in his leonine eyes. 

“Tell me what you think.” The demon muttered as I tried to lash out with my spirit blade. It met no flesh as the demon fell away and disappeared, only to return with a sinister look in his eyes. “Tell me what you feel.”

I lashed out again with the blade and Cullen laughed as he caught the blade with his hands, blood dripped down to the soil below as I he moved his hands to my own and I felt my mana draining, then my blade disappeared. I became light headed as the hands kept me in place as I tried my hardest to move away but he was too strong. He pushed my back flush to the war table behind me and straddled me.

“Tell me what you see!” Cullen roared as I looked into his eyes. His eyes sparkled in the dark like jewels. My eyes trailed his neck and I noticed that Cullen wasn’t wearing his armor anymore and that there was something large and hard pressing against my armor as he slowly moved towards my neck. 

“Fight back! Don’t-“ The voice shouted closer but was suddenly silenced.

“No!” I let out a scream as I pushed him off me and I moved to run, my mana was minimal so I was unable to call on my winter magicks to fight back. As I moved from the naked Commander, I felt a hand reach for my throat as I was wrenched chest first into the war table and I reeled in pain. I was about to turn when I felt him move behind me, pulling off my armor and he settled behind me with a laugh. I took in a sharp intake of breath as I tried to push back but he was too strong. Then the panic set in.

I felt my smalls being ripped off as a large, hot appendage was settled between my thighs as he kept me in place with his hands and feet. Cullen then continued draining my mana and a low howl reached my lips as he bit down on my neck.

“I will break you and rebuild you from scratch again and again! That thing has no power here now and either does your magic, Tranquil! I will be you…and your templar!”

“N—No! Not l-like this…” I cried as I struggled against his grasp. Cullen roared into my ear as he shoved himself inside me. My mind imploded in sick pain and- 

“Don’t hurt this one! P-Please s-s-stop…this one is in pain!”

“So fragile! No matter, I will know you! I will know him!” Cullen laughed as he pushed into this mage with all his strength and this one felt flesh tear. This one screamed with every breath.

 The templar raked at this one’s back as he filled this one up to the brim. The ordeal was painful and this one did not want to feel any more pain. Instigating the templar was a bad idea. I wanted to live. I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted someone to hear this one, to save this one…

“N-No…” This one mouthed as his master started a brutal pace. With each movement, the templar beat this one if this one didn’t submit. I wanted to live. I wanted to survive. (Please stop. Please.)

“There are so much of you to touch! Even as you break apart, I learn more and more!” The templar slurred and bit at my neck, blood began to pour and fell to the war table; the templar raked again at this one’s back again. Pain filled this one as master leaned against this one, buried inside this one and began to strike this one’s ribs to force movement, but this one was in a lot of pain to respond- too much pain, too much everything…

“S-Stop!” This one screamed between thrusts and the sounds of flesh striking flesh. My templar bit at my ear and I felt my templar shake his head as stubble chafed at this one’s neck when my templar kissed flesh and bit down. Pain surged this one in every waking moment as my master moved inside me, against this one’s will and this one was powerless to stop his templar.

“You wanted this all along, mage. Are you not satisfied?” My master hissed as my master pulled this one close so this one’s back was flush to my master’s.

“This one was a good mage. This one does not d-deserve this. Please-”

“You were a defiant mage and you deserve to be fucked senseless, over and over until you learn who your owner is. You are my bitch, mage. Mine!” Master roared as master came inside me, sticky heat filled me with dread as my master continued to pound into this one, unrelenting as the templar stayed hard and fucked this one raw, over and over. (This one is…feeling sick to this one’s core)

I heard a voice in the distance call this one. But it was too late. The voice was too low to understand. It was too loud with master’s roars and this one’s screams. Eventually, the voice disappeared completely and this one was left alone with Master.

Master came again. Master did not hold back as pain surged this one’s body over and over and there was blood everywhere- and then nothing remained.

 

\---

 

After a month in a cell, this one awoke to the sounds of shouts, screams and the sounds blades clashing. This one balled up in the corner of the cell as Master approached with the Inquisition in tow. This one was so afraid when Master opened the cell. Master always hurt me, Master called me names, Master invaded this one’s mind and Master always touched. But this time Master looked at this one in horror as this one quickly averted his eyes as taught and remained silent. 

“He’s…hurting.” Big Hat said and looked at this one in understanding.

“Maker’s breath…” Master began as Master drew this one into a hug and cried. This one wanted to run. This one wanted to flee but decided against it when this one saw how the scary lady looked at this one. Scary Lady was crying, Sister Elf was crumpled into a ball of tears, Funny Dwarf, Big Beard and Cute Mad Elf was sad too. “I’m sorry for how I’ve treated you…Maker…I’m so sorry for chasing Cole away. Envy is dead. I killed the bastard. You’re safe now. Cole will help you.” (Safe? Help me?)

“Tell me what Master requires. This one will serve.”

“Master?” Master looked at this one with tears in his eyes but this one could not understand them. Master pointed to himself and this one nodded.

“Master.” This one managed a small smile.

“Master, don’t hurt this one! No! Please! Not again! Not- Help this one! Help- Master please stop! This one loves Master. This one will always love Master. P-Please stop- M-MASTER! S-STOP H-H-H-HURTING ME!” Big Hat cried and looked at Master with sadness. “Forgetting won’t help. The ewer is cracked. The water will fall out and he will wither away…a husk.”

“Oh Maker…” Master murmured as the Inquisition gasped in horror.

“Cullen.” The Wise Wolf spoke with sadness in his eyes. Wise Wolf shook his head and looked away from this one. Even Iron Lady and Bull Man looked sad at this one.“There is no easy way to say this…”

“Damn you Solas, say what you need to say. I can take it. Please.”

“Master…please tell this one how to please Master. This one wishes to be spared of punishment.” This one rasped as Master looked at this one perplexed. Master furrowed a brow as Master’s friends looked at this one. They frightened this one. “Take this one if it pleases Master. Please don’t hurt this one.”

“Take you? What do you- Oh.” Master blushed as Master pulled away from this one and this one bowed down frantically at Master’s feet. This one heard Master’s friends gasp. “What are you doing?!”

“This one is sorry Master! Forgive this one Master. Don’t hurt this one Master! This one will be a good mage Master!”

“Envy has broken him so far that all he knows is to appease you. Envy must have scoured his mind, took your form…suffice it to say Cullen, he is beyond repair. Forgetting would make him break further. He needs an anchor to keep him grounded and it is…” The wise elf trailed off as this one collapsed in fatigue. This one heard the concerned shouts of many people but this one was too tired to open his eyes.

Hours (or days, this one knows not) went by and this one awoken in a familiar cabin. Master was asleep next to this one on a chair. Master looked so handsome and peaceful in his sleep. This one must have made noise because Master woke up and smiled as Master placed a hand on the bed.

“This one is sorry Master. Please don’t hit this one.”

“I’m not going to…” Master let out a sad sigh and looked at this one with a resolute glance. “Do you know who I am?”

“Master.” This one nodded. Master shook his head.

“My name? Do you know my name?”

“Master.”

“My name is Cullen.”

“Master.”

“I am not your-“ Master hissed as he gritted teeth in anger. Master’s harsh look then softened as Master moved closer to this one and cupped this one’s cheek. This one flushed with heat at Master’s gentle touch. “Do you know who you are?”

“This one…is Joshua, and afraid.”

“What are you afraid of?”

“Master.”

“Do you want me to go? Would you be more at ease if-”

“No Master! Don’t abandon this one! This one will do better! This one will serve perfectly from now!” This one begged as this one crawled out of bed and whimpered at Master’s feet. Master looked horrified as Master stroked this one’s hair. “Please don’t go Master. Master is cruel but Master is all this one has. Please!”

“I am not your master. I will never raise my hand to you, Josh. I am your friend.”

“Friend?”

“Friend.” Master affirmed as Master pulled this one into Master’s arms. Master cried as this one held onto toned flesh and smiled.

“This one loves Master, with every fiber of this one’s being. This one knows Master will never love this mage.” This one smiled sadly as Master pulled away and wiped the tears forming. Master looked heartbroken. “This one is sorry! This one doesn’t mean to make Master sad. Don’t hit this one. This one will forget how this one feels. Please don’t hurt me. Please.”

“No.” Master rasped as he took this one’s hands into his larger hands. Master smiled at this one and shook his head. “Don’t forget. It’s okay. I understand.”

Master pulled this one back to the bed and Master placed this one beside him, this one’s head on Master’s shoulder. Master allowed this one to hug at his chest.

“How do you feel, Josh?” Master asked in a sad tone.

“This one feels hollow: Soul but no mind, heart but no reasoning. This one feels afraid. Master will hurt this one again if this one is a bad mage. This one will be a good mage for Master.”

“I…” Master sighed and kissed this one’s forehead. This one felt his body fill up with happiness and intense heat. “I will take care of you Josh. You are my friend, my best friend.”

“Thank you Master.”

“Call me Cullen.”

“Thank you…Cullen.”


	5. Futility

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alara learns the futility of her actions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what would have happened if Josh allowed Alara to see him crying for Cullen. From there, his plans change drastically.

“I-I have a really bad feeling about this!” I stammered frantically as Dorian looked around slightly confused. He furrowed his brow slightly and twirled his moustache with his fingers as we explored the castle with caution. He then pulled me into a hug. I heard Solas scoff. (Oh relax vhenan! He doesn’t even like girls!)

“Don’t worry, I’m here. Nothing will-“

The shadow from earlier slinked by and dissipated into the darkness as both of us looked to our left. Even Solas looked a bit concerned.

“You saw that right?” I looked at the mage with a worried look then at Solas. He nodded as he pulled me behind him and drew his staff. I drew my bow and readied an arrow while Solas moved beside me with his staff ready to call down lightning. I aimed over his shoulder while the altus made a large noise while swinging his staff wildly ahead with a loud cry. I immediately lowered my bow and tapped him on his shoulder. (Worst idea ever)

Dorian jumped into the air and dropped his staff with a girlish cry. He looked at me and Solas, terrified and glared at me in the same breath. (Hahahaha!)

“WHA- Oh it’s you.” The handsome mage sighed and I fell down to the ground, giggling worse than Sera did when Blackwall ran back to his cabin with just a bucket to cover himself. (Oh Solas…hehe) I heard Dorian tap his foot impatiently as I broke my giggle fit and feint innocence while imitating his voice. 

“Don’t worry Alara! I’ll protect you!” I sniggered as the mage flushed, looking at me with folded arms. Solas chuckled to himself but quieted down before Dorian could catch on. “Oh no! I’ll protect you from absolutely nothing!”

“It’s not funny…” Dorian murmured as he shook his head in anger. His cheeks were dark pink and made me resume my giggle fit. “Truly…this elf- Didn’t you see Fiona stuck to a bloody wall? And that Barris man? He had Red Lyrium in his skull! I’m basically freaking out here. We’ve been exploring for a while now, there’s no sign of our friends anywhere aside from Solas! All the woman said was to look for Cullen and Leliana. That’s ominous…”

“I know.” I nodded as I took his hand and cupped his cheek. The mage looked at me with surprise in his eyes as I drew him into a hug. “I’m afraid that we won’t find our way back. I need to laugh. I need a reason to smile.”

“I will protect you, despite my fears Alara.”

“Ma serranas, ma falon.”

“What?”

“Never mind.” I pulled away from the mage and pointed ahead to a voice I heard speaking in a low tone. “I hear someone!”

“Shhh!” Dorian muttered with a smirk as he pulled me flush to the wall and covered my mouth.

“Don’t shush her.” Solas cussed as he moved flush to the wall as well.

“Ugh…quiet Solas.”

“Don’t you-“

“Shhh!”

Dorian peeked around the corner and quickly pulled back into cover with a worried look.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing! It’s the shadow- He’s not moving about. He’s actually cute.”

“Cute? Lemme see!” I pushed Dorian out of the way and peeked around the corner. Solas let out an exasperated sigh as I moved. A figure dressed in black wolf’s fur and darkened samite stood over the corpse of an abomination, a woman from what I could tell. He said a low prayer in elvhen but I noticed stubble on his face and neck. I couldn’t see the rest of his face but if he looked half as good as what I saw, he must be very handsome. (Curious, a human who knows elvhen) He was too busy with his prayer to bother with us.

“Told you he’s cute.” Dorian murmured as he peeked aside me and smiled.

“Speaking of cute…” I started as I pulled Dorian back into cover and gave him a small grin. “What do you think about my brother and Cullen?”

“Oh for the love of- Really Alara?”

“I want to know what he thinks…” I gave Solas a small peck and he turned redder than a tomato as he glared at me. 

“I’m sorry, Cullen?” Dorian looked perplexed for a moment and laughed. “Oh, you mean the broody, moody Commander who keeps glaring at me?”

I nodded impatiently. Solas let out another sigh. (Relax…)

“Your brother is cute. I like him. Cullen on the other hand…granted he is very handsome but he’s a bit rigid in his thinking- I don’t even think he likes men.”

“He kissed my brother, while he was sleeping. Bull saw it.”

“What? Really?!”

“…Ugh.” Solas murmured. (RELAX!)

“I can hear you- All three of you.” A sonorous voice spoke as a movement appeared in the corner of my eyes. Dorian jumped at the sudden appearance of the stranger and struck out with his staff but to no avail, he was deflected by a spear, hitting Dorian to the ground with its grip. Its owner grinned devilishly as he extended a hand to the mage. “Careful- You’ll want to keep that bravado for the demons ahead.” 

Dorian took the stranger’s hand and looked flustered when he was pulled abruptly to his feet. The shadow giggled slightly and pointed to me. He then smiled at Solas and returned his gaze to me.

“Shameful. The Herald is your brother and you gossip about him when he’s not around. What would people say?”

“It’s not like you’d tell people, right? By the way…I didn’t get your name.” I approached the shrouded man and nodded to him. He smiled.

“You’re right. You didn’t. Leliana is in the torture chambers and so is Cullen. I suggest haste and that you don’t look up.”

‘Don’t look up?” I asked, confusion making my voice sound uncertain and weak during a time where I wished to show that I was strong. (Nice work Ashara…)

“Unless you want to feel like a dwarf seeing the sky for the first time, just don’t look. I’ve seen it for a time and I’m accustomed to it. You will not like what you see. Don’t look. You will understand later, Ashara.”

I looked at the shadow in horror as Dorian looked at me in turn with a look of amusement.

“Really? Ashara? Not Alara? I’m wounded milady, you lied to me.” Dorian snickered. Solas glared at me and I took his hands in mine. I kissed his cheek and apologized for not telling him the truth. (Ir abelas ma vhenan)

“Alara is my human name. Mother…didn’t want me to keep my elvhen name. Ashara means ‘She, on a great journey’…How do you know my true name?” I turned to the shadow and he grinned to himself, most of his face was shrouded by a hood made from the head of a wolf. The only parts of his face visible his chin, his cheeks and a small part of his nose. (He looked oddly familiar)

“I know much.”

“Yes yes, we understand your secretiveness. Won’t you at least tell us who you are? What do we call you?”

“I am a friend…for now, but you may call me The Golden Wolf.”

“But…you’re wearing black.”

“For now.”

Before Dorian could speak, Solas pushed ahead; he then followed the stranger cautiously, forcing us to follow as well. (For now…)

 

\---

 

“I told you not to look up.” I could swear I saw the shadow roll his eyes in irritation as he peeked around a corner and shook his head. As much as we hated the mysterious man, he helped us quite a bit. He was quite skilled with his spear. He was also skilled with barrier spells. This was evident when he conjured up a barrier that actually regenerated itself when the demons struck us with their claws. (Come to think of it, brother was trying to develop a barrier with the same effect…did this man succeed where my brother failed?)

“Yes well…I wasn’t expecting to see the sky all torn up and green- so excuse me for screaming in horror.” Dorian muttered as he glowered at the shadow. The Golden Wolf looked at me briefly, his lips pulled into a frown as he looked at the mage beside me then at me again thoughtfully. He then pointed towards a corridor filled with the sounds of torture.

“I will scout ahead. Leliana is in the last room. Do not go into the room prior to it, Ashara.” The Golden Wolf was gone in that instant. Dorian shouted a few tevene curses as he looked at me derision.

“Vishante kaffas- that man is irritating beyond reason.”

“I know but he wants to help so we should honor his request.” Solas pointed out and I nodded in agreement.

“Dorian…we need his help. As much as you don’t like him, you have to admit- he was godsend in our time of need. We will listen to him for now. For now.” I smiled at the mage and he cupped my cheek. 

“Oh Alara- A woman after my heart! I’m so glad I met you. You accept me for who I am.”

“A man who has a great sense of style and a man who loves men? You’re a bit like my brother to be honest.”

“Speaking of Joshua…” Solas began with a worried look in his eyes. “From what we’ve gathered, the Inner Circle was killed after Alexius cast you both into this future.”

“Do you think the stranger did it?” Dorian asked as he twirled his moustache. Solas gave me a brief glance. It was his ‘what did you see in this fool’ glance.

“I doubt it but we must be careful not to meet the same fate.” 

Leliana didn’t require any rescuing. She only required a distraction. She killed her jailor with ease and looked at us in anger and sorrow as she picked up a bow from a nearby lockbox. I took in her shriveled face and cringed inwardly as I realized that it wasn’t age but cuts that warped her once beautiful face. She then smiled slightly when I assured her that we would get back to the present and stop any of this from happening.

“So idealistic- Forgive me if I am not jumping for joy.”

”If you jumped for joy in your present condition, it would be a miracle.”

“A miracle is what we need to stop the Elder One.”

“I’m afraid miracles are in short supply, spymaster.”

Then an argument broke out between the mage and the spymaster. Solas attempted to stop them but I heard a brief noise I knew all too well. Someone was crying in one of the nearby rooms, the one The Golden Wolf asked me not to enter. As I moved to open it, Solas grabbed my hand and urged me not to but I pulled free from him and moved to the door. A man was crying inside and I placed my hand on handle with a feeling of dread. Solas placed his hand over mine and shook his head but allowed me to open it anyways. (Ma serannas)

Cullen stood with his back towards us, looking at someone in front of him that was crying. He was unmoved by the tears and stared ahead as I stepped into the room. The arguing of Dorian and Leliana dying down to the sounds of sobbing- raw and troubling as it echoed inside the room. It was only then my gaze settled on Cullen’s neck and back that I realized why said someone was crying.

The Commander had shards of Red Lyrium growing out of his neck and back. As I moved closer, I saw that it was the Golden Wolf that was crying, his hands shaking and an undeniable green glow coving his body with cracks as light moved about his body. He was at Cullen’s feet, weeping and looked at me with a look of despair as I looked at Cullen face to face.

The entire right side of his body was naked and covered in Red Lyrium. His eyes were a bloody red and looked terrifying as there was no white in his eyes. It was black and made the red stand out to alarming effect. Solas stood beside me in silence as I approached the stranger. I kneeled down and stroked his shoulder.

“Why are you weeping for him, Golden Wolf?”

“Did you not weep for Solas when you saw how he looked? Do you not weep for your loved ones when you could not protect them?” The stranger looked at me with a sad look as he then looked at Cullen and shook his head.

“You love him?”

“How could I not sister?” The stranger pulled back his hood and I was shocked to see Josh with short hair and stubble. He had a few new scars on his face and milky white eyes. “The moment that man looked at me across the war table, I felt my knees quiver. I love him Ashara but there is so much he doesn’t know.”

“Josh…what happened to you?”

“Life happened.” Josh smiled slightly as I helped him to his feet. I moved to hug him but he pushed me away with a sad look. He nodded to Solas and ma vhenan ran off to check on the altus and spymaster who were suspiciously silent. “Even wild wolves need a leash to keep them in check.”

Josh then took Cullen’s hand and placed it on his cheek. I saw Cullen react slightly with a guttural moan as fingers traced scars on Josh’s face. 

“Maker’s breath…” Cullen simpered as he looked at Josh with a pain in his eyes. His voice was raspy and echoed out, distorted and terrifying but for some reason, I found it valorous. “Josh…I missed you. I am sorry- I am so sorry…I failed you-”

“Hush, vhenan.” Josh pointed to a skeleton behind him and smiled meekly. I moved closer to it and realized who it was when I saw the clumps of remaining hair remaining on its head. “There was nothing you could do. You did what you could. It was his time.”

“How is this even possible?!”

“I will spare you the details. Simply put, it is not my time. I am here to scout. They are coming.”

“The Elder One?”

“The Elder One is merely coalescence upon the wind. I am referring to the Evanuris.” Josh murmured as took hold of Cullen’s hand and helped the Commander move while I trailed behind in a daze of confusion at his words. (I don’t know what’s happening anymore…)

 

\---

 

 We made it to the throne room and disposed of Alexius after Leliana goaded him into a fight despite my efforts to avert violence. Dorian then said that he needed an hour to figure out how to reverse Alexius’ spell.

“An hour? You must go now!” Leliana cried as she looked at me desperately when a roar shook the castle. The roar died down as Josh disappeared briefly, then reappeared. Solas nodded as I turned to him. He moved to me and kissed at my ear. He then moved his hands to my hips and pulled me into a kiss that contrasted his controlled demeanor as our tongues danced. (Oh my…)

“Ar lath ma, halla.”

“Ar lath-“ I felt a sharp pain in my side. I reached down then looked as my hand touched a knife to my ribs, a deep wound that bled profusely as I fell down to my side as the blade was instantly retracted. Dorian moved to help me as I turned him but he was cut short by a blade to his neck. He fell down lifelessly beside me. I then saw Leliana draw her bow, she fired a shot at Solas but Josh deflected to the archer and she too fell down, dead with her own arrow in her forehead. Solas then moved over to me and smiled sadly.

“W-Why?”

“I will hurt you worse than a blade to your heart vhenan. It is better this way.” Solas cradled me as the demons poured into the room. Josh however was powerful, he moved fast between foes with Cullen, cutting them off and shattering them with precise hits until a tall, grotesque figure appeared. He unleashed a jet of Red Lyrium but Josh deflected it with his Mark. He opened a rift and tore into the Elder One as my vision faded in and out. Cullen stood over me and kneeled down as Solas moved to help Josh. His eyes softened as he took my hand.

“Maker…I should have kissed him properly in Haven. I should have realized that what I felt for him back then was love. I am sorry Alara. Your brother- he deserved someone to love him. I loved him far too late. He declared his love while imprisoned and I was forced to watch how they fed him the red.” Cullen began to tear up as he held me close to his chest. “Oh Maker…It was horrifying to watch how he screamed and cried out my name. I was unable to protect him until one day just stopped moving. No shards, no Red. He was just dead. I lost hope then. At least he didn’t have to see what I became…”

“Creators…” I coughed as Josh approached with a glare our way and blood all over his skin and armor.

“Do not call upon the ‘Maker’, Cullen. He does not exist- And your so called ‘Creators’, sister? Liars- cheats…all mortal men and women who enslaved their kind and murdered the one who cared for The People.” Josh gritted his teeth as Cullen reached for him but Josh looked at him with rage in his eyes. “Let them come, I am not afraid. I will care for The People. I will give them a home- a true home!”

I watched as Josh and Solas turned around, a group of seven figures stood at the doors as Cullen too turned to look at the new arrivals with fear in his eyes. As my eyes met a woman with white hair, I felt my body go cold as my eyes closed and I heard shrill a voice pierce the silence before all hell broke loose. It belonged to the white haired woman I saw.

“Era’elgar- I’ve’an’virelan, Fen’an esha’lin!” 

“Venavis! Ir Josh’ua Lavellan, Fen’Harel ma nas’falon. Da’len Asha’bellanar. Da’len Fen’an. Evanuris! Na din’an sahlin!”


	6. Ire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassandra learns to never incite Joshua's ire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what would have happened if Josh refused to become Inquisitor and left shortly after arriving at Skyhold.

Skyhold was bustling with people from all over Ferelden and Orlais. It had become a pilgrimage for people seeking to aid the Inquisition in our fight against the Elder One. Josh followed me as I led him towards the stairs leading to the throne room with a content heart. He is the leader we have been waiting for. (We need him)

“We now know who our enemy is. And we now know who will lead us in this endeavor; the one who has been leading the Inquisition all this time.” I said as Josh followed me up the stairs and caught sight of Leliana with her head bowed. In her hands, she held out the standard-issue Knight-Enchanter great blade. I turned to the youth and shot him a grin. “ _You_.”

Josh noticeably flushed as he looked down and saw a crowd people standing in awe. His friends and inner circle members stood in the crowd as well and I had to hold in a laugh when I saw his cheeks redden further upon seeing Commander Cullen smiling at him in the crowd.

“I didn’t ask for this!” Josh shouted as he stared me down and my grin immediately fell away, replaced by a stunned look. I gave Leliana a knowing glance as Joshua glowered at me then at the spymaster. “You can’t just pile this on me, Seeker. I am no one’s fallback plan.”

“Fallback plan?” Leliana asked as she lifted her gaze to the angry mage, who gave her a dirty look in turn that made my stomach churn. He had every right to be angry. We used him and lied to him to get what we wanted but at the same time we provided him with security and support in the form of Cullen. I did not know what the Commander’s intentions with the youth were but it was clear that he cared for Josh and that Josh himself cared about Cullen, perhaps even too much.

“Did you forget what you all did, Seeker?” Joshua spat as he turned his gaze to the crowd to find Cullen’s, I saw the Commander’s smile melt away into a look of worry and sadness as Josh turned his green gaze to me. It was a cold look that echoed of despair and immense hatred that made me flinch. “I may be on good terms with the Commander, but I never forgave any of you.”

The Knight-Enchanter turned to leave, but I grabbed his hand to stop him. He could not leave now. All the people are assembled for him, no one else. They believed in him despite the fact that he was a mage and I respected that.

“You would abandon the people you have saved?” I asked in confusion. Josh sighed and looked at me with frustration as he furrowed his brow.

“You abandoned me the moment you lied to me, and as I have told the Commander: I don’t work with people I don’t trust.” He spouted as he wrenched his arm from my grasp and glared at Leliana and I respectively.  “I do not trust you and thus I will not work with you.”

Josh started a labored walk down towards the entrance of Skyhold. I looked at Leliana who nodded sadly as we chased after the mage while the crowd looked at him in disbelief. Cullen moved to grab his arm but the Knight-Enchanter pushed him away.

“Don’t.”

“Please…” Cullen begged as he grabbed hold of the mage’s hand and brought Josh to a standstill in front of the drawbridge. I drew near with the other Inquisition members and approached as Josh looked at me, his eyes seething as he balled his fists and growled. “Don’t go- These people need you.”

The mage pulled free from Cullen and continued to walk until I heard Cullen speak and I felt my heart pound in that moment as the crowd watched in silence.

“I…need you.”

“I need you as well Cullen…” Josh stopped, then turned to face Cullen and I gasped when I saw that the mage was crying, his face covered in tears that streamed down his cheeks and neck and soaked into his overcoat and shirt. Cullen moved to hug him and Josh allowed the Commander to envelope him in his arms. (So romantic!)

“Stay. Please, Joshua.”

“I cannot stay.” Josh shook his head and pushed Cullen away. “I trust you. I don’t trust them.”

“If you trust me, stay for me then.”

“I trust you, but I cannot stay.”

“W-Why?” Cullen asked pleadingly, the mage shook his head sadly as he glared at me, then Leliana, Josephine and then Vivienne as took Cullen’s hand and kissed the side of his palm briefly.

“You don’t even know how you feel about me, do you?” Josh smiled sadly as he let go of Cullen and shook his head again as I approached him. “Don’t force it out. Don’t force a feeling inside you where there may be none.”

Josh looked at me and smiled as he pointed to Skyhold and then to himself.

“I did what I had to do, Seeker. I saved your people- I closed the Breach. Is that not enough?” Josh chuckled to himself and shook his head as he pulled Cullen close and both myself and the Commander gasped in confusion with the whole of Skyhold as Josh kissed the former-templar’s forehead. “Of course it’s not enough- why do I even…I love you Cullen. I’ve loved you from the moment I first met you but I will not stay because of love. It is too much to hope for and my heart is wounded, first by you, then by the Inquisition. I have to leave. I cannot remain.” (Don’t say that!)

“I’m sorry, Josh.” Cullen murmured as Josh moved to leave but the mage turned to him and looked at Cullen with a sad look.

“Don’t apologize. You are my friend and I love you- but this is my path Cullen: Alone.”

Just then, Solas darted past us with a worried look. He placed a hand on Josh’s shoulder and smiled bleakly. The mage looked at him bewildered but slightly comforted by his presence. Cullen cocked his head in confusion as I took in the Elven words but my mind had no clue what was being said.

“Banal, dirthena enasalin. Ma din’u. Ir ma nas’falon. Ar nadas ghilani hanin.”

“Ma serannas, Solas.” Josh nodded with a small grin as Josh wrapped his hand around the elf’s back and eased it onto his shoulder as they started a slow walk into the bridge.

“You’re leaving too, Solas?” I asked as Alara moved towards the men but stopped when the elf and her brother turned, both with equally unsettling glares brimming with ire as they looked at me and in turn the Inquisition, their gazes softened slightly when I saw Cullen move close to Alara to envelope her in his arms as she cried.

“Josh is my friend, Cassandra. I cannot watch my friend face the end alone. I would not wish that fate on anyone.” The elven apostate looked at Alara briefly with a look of sadness and then turned to Josh who looked at the elf in understanding. There was unspoken bond brotherhood between them and it was heartwarming to know that despite everything that Josh had Solas to lean on. The elf genuinely cared for the mage.

“Fine then” I began as I intercepted the mages and took Josh’s hand. In the same motion the mage pulled away and Solas shook his head solemnly. “We needed you but you are no longer required. Go! Leave! We have no need for cowards here!”

“Cowards? We’ll see about that. And I don’t need your permission, bitch.” Josh snarled as he fade stepped with Solas at his side. Then they were gone and I immediately regretted my harsh words when Cullen looked at me with a look of sadness in his eyes

 

\---

 

Inqusitor Lavellan routed the Elder One’s forces and destroyed the fiend with her mark but the artifact that created the Breach was never recovered. Alara was forced to seal the Breach alone and thus as was celebrated eagerly as the savior of Thedas and I was elected as the successor to Divine Justinia V. (It was surprising. Alara was closer to Leliana and Vivienne than me)

Two years after the defeat of the Elder One, I called for the Exalted Council to ease the tensions between Ferelden, Orlais and the Inquisition, during which we uncovered a Qunari plot to take over the South.

Alara was left to meet with Solas while I prepared the Exalted Council to receive the Inquisitor’s decision with regards to the Inquisition’s fate. Imagine my surprise when Alara never arrived and instead, a man cloaked in black wolf’s fur, holding the Orb we saw in Adamant that placed the Anchors on Alara and Joshua’s hands, stepped into the main hall and petrified everyone save myself and Cullen.

“Did you miss me, bitch?” The figure chuckled in a broken voice as he moved about the room at heightened speed, shattering every living statue except Leliana, Josephine and Vivienne.

The commander drew his blade as he rushed down the figure but was fixed in place as the stranger pulled off his cloak and motioned to an elf in the shadows who approached with her bow drew, a snarl on her lips as she moved to the Knight-Enchanter’s side. (A-Alara?)

“Why are you doing this, you of all people?” Cullen asked as pointed his blade to Josh but the mage shook his head as I moved to Cullen’s side and touched his shoulder. He didn’t flinch as he gritted his teeth in anger. “Damn you Josh!” (Don’t anger him, Commander)

“Damn me? By all means, damn me Cullen. You know nothing. You don’t know me! I still love you but…” Josh’s voice hitched slightly and Solas appeared from the shadows with his hand on the mage’s shoulder. “Comfort from Pride. Thank you, brother.”

“I am here for you, my friend. I will not abandon you…ever.” Solas smiled as Josh handed the orb to him. He extended it out towards us while the archer kept her arrow trained on myself and the Commander respectively. Josh then slit his wrist with his spirit blade and I watched in horror as his blood poured down the orb and it began to hum with power. Josh then grinned as he pointed to Cullen and myself with a haughty look in his veilfire-colored eyes.

“The blood of a former-tranquil dreamer can awaken latent power, no matter how fickle it is.”

“What do you mean? What are you going to do?” I asked the Knight-Enchanter incredulously. Cullen moved to intervene but Josh flicked out his free hand and Cullen was half-frozen, parts of his legs and arms iced up to restrict his movement. I gave him a sad look as Alara pointed at Solas and kissed his cheek as she traced his shoulder with her marked hand. Her mark flared up as Josh placed his hand over hers and filled the room with green sparks that danced about the air.

“Vhenan will kill everyone, then the Evanuris and then…we rebuild the world that was!” Alara giggled as I watched her eyes twitch about madly as she notched an arrow towards me. The orb sang with power as the arrow was loosed. (No…)

“I am sorry, Cullen.”


	7. Grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen is overwhelmed by grief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what would have happened if Josh was unable to recite the Litany of Adralla to dispel Linnea's Blood Control.

We battled through demons until we reached an area with hordes of them lining the battlements. Solas used a rift spell to pull the fiends together and Josh created a blizzard as I charged in with Cole at my side. For a demon, he could fight admirably and while I didn’t trust him, I knew we could count on him in battle; I would just have to keep an eye on him so that he didn’t influence Josh in a bad way, but Solas seemed to trust him.

“Well, if it isn’t the First Enchanter.” I heard a high pitched voice speak as Josh turned to face the new arrival. I looked at her, confused and narrowed my eyes as I took in her deformed visage. “My heart…and you chose Ser Jason over me!”

“Linnea.” Josh said as he tightened his grip on his staff and looked over at the dark haired woman.  I looked at her then cringed when I saw her properly in the moonlight. Her robes were covered in blood and gore and her face distorted, her hair was in patches and I suddenly recalled her grotesque face from the day we lost Haven. (…Josh had a jilted lover? This…monster from Haven’s assault?)

“Maleficar! You were at Haven- the Elder One’s lieutenant.” I roared as I dashed forward unthinkingly but Linnea was quick for a mage. She flipped backward and flicked her wrist, Solas threw up a barrier on me but the blood mage had pierced his wards and curdled my blood and I felt it churn as her magic snaked into me, rooting me in place and filling me with pain. I stood upright as I twitched and screamed in agony whilst trying to fight back from within. I saw Cole behind her and tried to warn him from striking her. She was too quick. Too-

“What is this? An offering? A spirit for me to bind? Why thank you for the gift, First Enchanter.”

“NO!” Josh screamed as I reached out. He let out a howl as he fade stepped in Cole’s way and fell to his knees when the blood bolt hit him with full force. It washed over him as Josh screamed out as his blood moved to her will just as mine did. I remembered Kinloch Hold and I roared inwardly as I tried to break free, but I was bound in place by her foul magicks. I couldn’t even concentrate on dispelling her magicks.

“Cole! Run!”

"But you're hurting-"

"RUN!"       

The spirit disappeared as Linnea turned to Solas as he conjured a wave of fire. (Don’t!) She smirked as she leapt over it with ease and cast a glyph of neutralization and bind him to it with several glyphs of repulsion. The elven mage slumped down to his staff and watched in horror as the abomination turned back to the enthralled Knight-Enchanter. (He is not yours…)

“Now- my love; kill this foolish, foolish man. We will rule this world together as the Hands of the Elder One, but not while he yet lives.” Linnea said as she pointed to me with spite in her voice as Josh got back to his feet and wordlessly manifested his spirit blade. I gave him a look of disbelief as the maleficar moved over to me and lifted my neck with her vile fingernails as Josh brought his blade to it. The spirit blade hummed with energy as it rested at my neck, it was ice cold!

Its coldness reminded me that I wasn’t dreaming. My love, my one and only had a blade to my neck and that soon it would be all over. (No…) I watched in agony as Linnea whispered seductively into Josh's ear (Shut up you…you bitch!), but I noticed a slight movement in Josh’s eyes. They looked at me with the coldness of ice as his irises moved against the blood mage's influence. Josh whispered words with much effort- and willpower to fight the blood control she had over him.

“I- Cullen…sorry- I’m so sorry.” Josh murmured as his eyes twitched over to mine, between briefly glances towards the blood mage and my eyes. A ring of red encircled his pupils and he gritted his teeth as his hands shook. “I can’t…I’d rather…”

Blood splattered everywhere as I was freed from my mental domination. I immediately sprung to action, grabbing hold of the blood mage, bringing my fingers to her neck in a sick motion that made my brain feel like a knife was being driven into it.

“No…please…” Linnea cried as I head-butt her to silence the screams.

“Maleficar bitch!” I shouted as she gasped for air but her voice broke as I forced all the air out of her lungs. Her eyes were desperate as she looked at me in disbelief then to my left. Within the next few moments, the mage was dead, a corpse riddled with burns and flakes of flesh that was discolored from her transformation. Solas appeared beside me, his eyes watering as he pulled me out of my frenzy. He pointed to the blood that covered my chest and my hands and then pointed to the left and then I saw him.

Josh was on his back, his face pulled into a content look as I moved closer, my own eyes welling up with tears. I pulled him to my arms and cringed when I felt the heat receded from his flesh as he wheezed, coughing up blood as my hands settled at his neck. I pressed the wound closed and Solas tried to use healing magic, but unfortunately he was out of mana and ended up hissing as he ran off to find Neria. . It was then that I realized that Linnea had no cuts on her skin and that the blood that was on my chest and hands was…Josh’s.

“W-Why?” I begged as the mage traced my cheek and smiled sadly, his eyes fluttering open and closed erratically as he wheezed for air. Blood flowed from his neck like a river.

“I…can’t hurt you. I-I c-can’t…I would r-rather d-die…” Josh managed to whisper and then his breath stilled.

 

\---

 

I locked myself inside my tower once we returned from Adamant. Everyone else was attending the vigil for the former Inquisitor. Not me. I couldn’t stand there and face everyone and their sad looks. Solas was kind enough to answer any questions the Inner Circle had. I was too distraught to think straight to even form a coherent sentence.

My head throbbed continuously as I stared holes into my desk. It wasn’t even a week since his…death and letters of condolences were already streaming in. I tossed them aside with a loud roar and my hands settled at my lyrium kit…I remembered him. My eyes overflowed with tears and my heart sank as I slammed down my fist against the desk. (Damn it all!)

I told Josh that I stopped taking lyrium and he respected my decision.

I was taken aback. I was expecting him to order me to take it again or to look at me in disappointment but there was an unspoken understanding in his eyes as we ate breakfast together that morning.

I opened the kit and reached for the bottle of lyrium, the vial was cold to the touch, reminding me of what happened. I looked at it and shook my head as I imagined what Josh would say if he saw me considering to down the vile substance for a moment of peace. My sleep was riddled with night terrors. Once, I dreamed of Kinloch Hold and of what happened to me, but lately I only dreamt of him and how I foolishly attacked the blood mage as he cut his own throat to break her spell…to save me.

Was his desire to see me freed from her Blood Control so powerful? Did he really love me that much? In that moment, I felt my mind throb repeatedly.

Why didn’t I tell him about Kinloch Hold? Why didn’t I show him how much I loved him by being honest with him? Maker…I was such a fool.

Josh didn’t die heroically. He died in vain because of my own stupidity. I should have kissed him at camp. I should have entered his tent and made passionate love to him. I should have held him close and promised to keep him safe in my arms but instead, he was dead and I…was alive. Everyone rallied about me but I had never felt as alone as I did when he died. He wasn’t just the man I loved. He was my friend. My best friend and he…was gone in an instant.

My mind wandered back to the vial in my hand and I cursed inwardly as I brought it to my lips (I’m sorry Joshua…), the nauseating liquid poured down, filling me up with a sense of purpose which was false but that was the point. I had to lead the Inquisitor’s army as the Commander. I would not give Alara less than I gave Josh but…I missed him. Even as the taste of lyrium drowned out the throbs and the knives in my brain, I felt lonely and empty without ma vhenan. Oh Maker…I should have told him that he was and always will be my heart. (I hope you’re in a better place, Josh.)

Months passed where I would train the new recruits and go over plans with Rylen but I would always feel empty. Solas came by with Cole and sometimes Sera would come too with a few others (I didn’t really pay attention). They tried to cheer me up but mostly I would opt for an early night in instead of a night of Diamondback or socializing with my troops at the tavern with Bull and his men.

One night, here was a knock at the door. I moved to the door after signing off some orders and I saw Alara; she stood with worried eyes, tracing my face as she shifted awkwardly between feet. She tried to smile but I saw that she was in a lot of pain.

“The…others need you in the war room; his cousin is here to s-see you.”

“What for?”

“I…am not sure. Evelyn didn’t say.”

“I see.”

I nodded to her and grimaced as we moved through the rotunda, into the silent main hall. Everyone’s eyes were on me but I ignored them as we moved past Josephine’s desk and into the hallway leading to the War Room.

“A-Are you in pain, Cullen?” Alara stammered with concern as she pulled me aside before we could enter the War Room.

“I can endure it.” Alara was about to comfort me with a hug but I kept her at arm’s length and she looked at me in bewilderment and sadness. “I will not fail you, Inquisitor- but so long as I am Commander of the Inquisition, I cannot be your friend. You are my charge.”

“Cullen…I-“

“I will not fail you.”

“I’m so sorry.” Alara wept but her tears didn’t stir any compulsion to comfort her.

“Spare me your sympathy, Inquisitor.”


	8. Prejudice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen and Neria let their old prejudices get the better of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what would have happened if Cullen refused Josh's dasemah'lin (bracelets).

It was a good day for gardening. I was fortunate enough to be allowed by Joshua to plant some rare flora in his gardens to keep me from going stir crazy. Every now and then the elf from the Mages Collective would look at me with a worried look as I adjusted the plants and planted new ones but she smiled secretly when she saw that I had a green thumb just like her.

I started my project from dawn, using the opportunity to befriend the resident Revered Mother. Giselle was her name and she was not quite what I was expecting.

For one, she was quite a delightful woman to speak to. Compared to the priests I met during the Blight, she was rather tame and had a sensible approach to magic. I enjoyed the chats we had until she was called to intervene when Dorian Pavus managed to teach Sulahn a few fire spells. Apparently, the little elf used a few combustion spells to set fire to a few chantry books. It was rather funny to hear from Josephine that the elf also singed the Mother’s robe. At least Mother Giselle was lenient with Sulahn. Poor Cullen, such a control freak and his daughter burned the robes of a chantry priest. (What a scandal!)

I then continued with my quest to do up the gardens. It wasn’t very hard. Unlike the other apprentices of the Circle of Magi, I was more interested in alchemy and Creation spells- to be exact healing magic. It wasn’t the common path taken. Most apprentices opt to learn the simple arts of Pyromancy or Cryomancy, I preferred magicks that helped my friends to shrug off blows and to fight more efficiently.

It was only when my dear bard came running several hours later shouting for me that I realized that something was wrong. Several nobles looked questioningly as the bard came my way and wrenched me towards the doors leading to throne room.

“W-What’s wrong love?” I asked as the redhead pulled me towards the rotunda, forcing me to drop the shovel I had in my hands and to make sure I still had my all-purpose satchel on. The bard shook her head in grief as she pointed to Cullen’s tower once we reached the bridge where Dagna stood waiting for us. “Tell me!”

“Josh is mortally wounded. Cullen took him upstairs. I didn’t see any wounds on him so it’s not a normal wound. The Commander is awaiting the both of you! Go!” The Spymaster cried as she ran off towards the main gates. I nodded towards the dwarf I befriended all those years ago. Her normally smiling, jovial face was pulled into a frown once we entered the tower and we heard how Cullen was lamenting aloud. I climbed first and nearly gasped when I reached the top and helped the dwarf up as well.

Cullen was seated beside his bed, covered in a layer of sweat as he prayed frantically while holding onto Josh’s hand. The mage himself was not moving; reason enough for me to race to his side. The templar nodded as I approached and had a sad, dejected look in his eyes.

“I’m here! What happened?!” I asked as I pulled off my travel satchel. Dagna appeared beside me and looked completely shattered.

Cullen had stripped Josh of his armor and left the mage in his undergarments as the youth was burning up when I placed my hand on his forehead. It was very hot, meaning that something was indeed wrong with the mage. I looked at Cullen and the former templar gave me a morose look.

“I don’t know! He…used his mark and blood magic to obliterate red lyrium.”

 “What?” Dagna asked, taking the words right out of my mouth. “That is brilliant!”

“I don’t want brilliant, I want him to live” Cullen snarled at Dagna, who moved away in fear.

“Right! Sorry…” The arcanist looked at me with downturned eyes.

I nodded to the man who once fell in love with me. The look in his eyes nearly made me buckle in horror. It was one between outright despair and concern. I then moved over to my bag, searching through several pockets of potions and dried herbs. I then found it, a small shard of glass blunted not to cut flesh.

I held it over the mage’s curvy lips and let out involuntary sigh as grey filled the shard with his breath. I looked over at Cullen with a look of false hope and nodded eagerly as the templar looked at me, his leonine eyes filled with the same false hope that was in my eyes. (He knows)

Then I realized something as his Mark sparked to life: All the Red Lyrium I had encountered was impossible to destroy, for Josh to even break it with his magic; it would have drained him of his magic, several times over. I then remembered how he used blood mage to save Cullen from the rogue mage Linnea.

Josh was unusually powerful for a novice blood mage. It took me many years to perfect the art into the magicks I used every day to heal injuries. He seemed to understand how it worked and ironed out the inconsistencies faster than I did. I grew more attached to the Inquisitor- my friend in that moment. He was so young and he was shaking the very foundations of the world. In a way, I felt sad for him. He…was burdened with so much and I would not be able to save him.

All my spirit healing and Creation training screamed into my ears that no magic would save him now. He was wounded in a way that I could not understand as there were no apparent wounds but his heart was pounding too quickly. It was so quick that I could scarcely hear anything beyond it.

 I turned to Cullen and shook my head sadly. His eyes welled up with tears as he turned to look at his best friend. I found it incredibly sad but heartening to see how much Cullen loved the mage. It hurt me to know that even with my expertise in healing magic…I was completely powerless.

“I’m sorry Cullen. It’s only a matter of time. I can try to perhaps transfuse my blood to keep him from being-“ I pulled out my dagger and readied to slit my wrist to intone a blood spell. However, Cullen freaked out, he pinned me against the nearby wall, his eyes darkened as his grip tightened on my small hands. He growled and had the same mad look in his eyes when he was tortured by the blood mages in Kinloch Hold.

“No blood magic! GET OUT MALEFICAR!”

“No.” A low voice spoke as the mysterious elf with the wolf jawbone climbed up the ladder. He looked quite sad as he approached the bed and touched Josh’s forehead. He looked over at Cullen and shook his head as the former templar let go of me and moved over to Josh’s side. He slumped down to his knees and took Josh’s hand into his own and cried as he kissed at the smaller knuckles. Solas however, glared at Cullen and gritted his teeth. “You don’t get to judge. He offered you a gift. You refused it, didn’t you?”

“A gift? You mean the bracelets?” Dagna asked, garnering a confused look from me. Cullen nodded sadly as the elf averted his eyes and nodded to the dwarf.

“Josh made a gift for him? Why would he- Oh. Blood magic… isn’t that right, Knight-Commander?” I glared at Cullen and he looked at me in despair.

‘You know him quite well.” Solas looked at me and smiled sadly. “My friend is dying. I’ll…see to him now Warden-Commander. Let the others know of the situation. Be…gentle with them. This man is special to them all. To me as…well.”

I nodded and looked over at Dagna who begrudgingly accepted the facts. I waited for her to climb down and I followed soon after. Dagna bee-lined through the crowd gathered and looked at me sadly as I stood at the door, everyone looked at me expectantly as I shut the door and pushed a few stray hairs from my eyes. Leliana didn’t even need me to say anything; she ran off and gathered her spies along with Josephine who looked quite disturbed.

Josh’s inner circle however still needed to be told, but…how could I say it? The giddy elf that hugged me when I first arrived, I saw how she doted over Josh like his little sister, the handsome magister who loved to tease Cullen and Josh about their budding relationship, the icy court enchanter who smiled genuinely at Josh when others looked elsewhere…the strange boy who assured Josh about his love for Cullen, the storyteller who pushed them together whenever he could, the brash, compassionate Seeker who loved Josh a way that I could relate to, the warden who protected him despite his aversion to homosexuality…even a Ben-Hassrath of all things. Josh brought all these people together.

How could I tell them that the man they followed…the man they cherished like a brother, the man who they would follow to the ends of Thedas was going to die? (Maker…give me strength for this…)

My mouth opened to speak and Sera approached in her usual giddiness. Normally, it would make my heart melt from her sheer awesomeness…but it made my task even harder. All eyes were on me. (This is it…)

“I’m sorry.”

“W-What do you mean?” His little sister, Alara asked and pushed through the crowd. I merely shook my head and she understood. She raced off to find Sulahn and to ease her through it. As soon as the tears fell from my eyes, the rest knew the bitter truth. Sera ran off to who knows where. She was followed by Cole and Dorian while the others remained on the bridge with me.

“Cullen refused a gift from the Inquisitor. Apparently he made a pair of lifeward bracelets activated by blood magic. It would have saved the Inquisitor but Cullen’s fear was too great.”

“Perhaps it was better not to accept a gift bathed in blood magic.” Cassandra sneered as she looked at me sadly. Her voice was venomous by her eyes were overflowing with sadness. In a way, I agreed with her view point but I knew the truth.

“I know how the Chantry feels and to tell you the truth, I don’t care. Blood Magic is only as evil as its wielder. I’ve never used it to harm others. Josh was the same. If you and the Commander could overlook Josh using it to save Cullen at Adamant, why couldn’t Cullen accept a simple gift? I blame Cullen for this.”

“How can you blame-“

“How can I?” I scoffed at Blackwall. He looked at me with a look of bewilderment. Iron Bull shook his head in disagreement but I didn’t care. “If he accepted the fucking gift, his lover wouldn’t be dying right now. His selfishness, his damn ego and fears are what cost him a life of happiness with Josh. Damn him!’

“Neria! Calm down!” Cassandra reached for me but I swatted her hand away. I pushed past the crowd and raced up to Leliana’s rookery. The spymaster looked at me sadly as I leaned onto her desk. My tears flowed with consent and I felt her warm hands encircle me, wordless and understanding as we remained silent in mutual sadness.

 

\---

 

It didn’t take long.

According to my lover, Solas entered the mage’s dreams and eased him through the process. It was painless and simple but not for me.

I felt guilt at my heart, for he was the second that I failed. Jowan was a good friend and a good man but used by Loghain because he was naïve and so vulnerable after escaping the Circle Tower. He took advantage of a frightened, young man and fed him lies. We managed to undo what he did to the Arl…but I could not save him. Despite my word, the Arl chose not to release him and sent him back to the Circle only to be executed by the templars.

Barely a day passed and I had had enough. Guilt filled me up and the sight of Cullen infuriated me, so much so that I could not do anything without getting overemotional at the very mention of his name, so I said my goodbyes (I’m sorry Leli) and left for the bridge that lead to the mountain pass. I heard him cry out my name but I ignored him. Soon, I felt a hand grasp my own and I let out a small gasp when I saw its owner. (You…)

“Please…wait.” Cullen rasped but I pulled away and growled.

“Do not speak to me, you templar fuck up!” I pointed at him and snarled as a few Inner Circle members looked on as I approached the foolish man and he backed up until he was flush to the wall.  I then moved to leave. “You are the last person that I want to speak to. Begone!”

“Neria please-“ Cullen tried once again to stop me by shielding the path out of Skyhold with his body. (What is that fool trying to do now?) I folded my arms and shook my head as I looked on at the handsome templar and sneered loudly.

“You are a monster Cullen.” I murmured and then I saw it, a glimmer of sadness in his eyes but my anger didn’t die down. It roared at the sight as the tears welled up in his eyes. “Go ahead and cry. Be sad, be heartbroken. You deserve it you fucking asshole!”

Cullen then broke down and slumped to his knees. I made no effort to comfort him. Instead I walked by him but stopped as he managed to croak out a low apology as everyone watched us.

“Don’t apologize to me. Apologize to the new Inquisitor. It’s her brother that you failed to protect. And apologize to your daughter. Because of you, she lost her father.” I said with venom in my voice. I could feel Compassion pulling at my heart not to push any further but I had to. He needed to understand what he did. He needed to hear me. I looked briefly into the crowd before addressing Cullen and saw Cole look at me sadly as I moved back to Cullen and stood over him as he wept. “You left the Order, you changed your armor, you styled your hair, you got a scar, you learned to love a man but ultimately…you are still the frightened templar I found atop the Circle Tower!”

“I-I’m not him anymore…”

“I could never love you and now I understand why. It is not that you are a man. You are cruel. I am a Maleficar and I am not ashamed to say it. I have saved lives with my blood magic and your chantry would still brand me a danger to everyone. That is fine, but Josh…he offered you a practical gift of his affection. You let your past blind you and that is sad indeed. He is dead not because of his magic or his mark or even being reckless. He is dead because of you Templar. Get over it. Get over yourself. He- He was almost the same age I was then I left the tower with Duncan. I…”

My own tears fell and Leli approached from the crowd. She pulled me into a hug as I cried. Her lips sang a low song to comfort me but all it did was remind me of the man we lost. I pulled out from her grasp and got a gasp from her. A crushed Cullen looked down at the ground groggily as I moved past him and marched off towards the mountain pass alone.

“You should have stayed on lyrium, Templar. The Inquisitor deserved a man with empathy. You are just an apathic cunt like the rest of the Templar shits in this world. Go ahead; make another change in your life! You will still be the fucked up fool I remembered at the top of the tower! ‘You must kill everyone up there.’ I remember what you said, Knight-Commander.”

“I am n-not him!” Cullen bawled but I continued walking, confident in my wardens to help the new Inquisitor but dreading my lonesome journey to the West to uncover a cure for the Taint. (Maker watch over you, Joshua Trevelyan)

“Keep trying to convince yourself, Templar. You’ll realize it the day you kill the next mage you fall in love with.”

 


	9. Madness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen succumbs to madness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what would have happened if Josh was unable to unclasp the necklace from Cullen's neck in time as the Commander strangled him.

Pain engulfed me as the mage touched me but it was the chance I was waiting for to strike. I caught hold of hands that snaked into my mind to my deepest fears to bring them to life only for one purpose: To break me. But I would break him first.

“Maleficar! Blood mage!” I roared as my hands settled at his throat and pushed down hard. The blood mage let out a guttural cry as eyes that lacked empathy moved to my own, horrified as I forced the air out of his chest. The tried to speak but all that came out was a guttural noise as he pushed at my chest desperately to get me off him. He tried to reach for my neck, but he flailed about helplessly as I hold him down.

“Cullen…please…I-I can’t…b-breathe…” The mage managed to rasp as I choked him. Him knowing my name made no sense as his hands stopped moving against me and he forced his eyes open. The desperation was gone and instead there was a weird sense of acceptance in his reddened eyes. Good.

“I do not know you, blood mage…but you know my name? Did you scour my mind for it?” I asked and the mage looked at me in confusion as I forced more air out of his throat. The maleficar’s eyes widened in realization but it was too late to fight back as the mage used the last of his strength to caress my face. I cringed as the warm fingers touched my face. I ripped his hand away and resumed strangling him. “How dare you touch me!?”

“I failed…y-you, Cul…” The mage said as he stilled. My body swelled with pride as I pushed his lifeless body away and sneered.

“Of course you failed. A templar will never break to the likes you.” I whispered as I moved over to the door slowly. The fools had made the mistake of releasing me from the barrier but unfortunately I wasn’t on my Lyrium so draining them would be harder than normally. I had to consider my options carefully as I could smite a maleficar but only briefly. It was a stroke of luck that the maleficar that I killed was so docile.

I placed my ear to the door and managed to hear whispers of several people. Amongst them were several men and women that I didn’t recognize. I peeped through the keyhole and saw a mage dressed haphazardly in a silken robe with a Qunari of all things and another mage with flowing locks of bright blonde hair. She seemed frightened as she attended to the others, shadows lingering just out of my vision. There was about seven mages out there and I was a lone man.

The odds were not in my favor but I had to act. There was no question as to how long it would take until the dead mage would be deemed missing. I tested the door slightly with my bare shoulder and saw that it was quite sturdy. I didn’t have my armor, so I’d have to throw all my body weight into the charge and tackle the nearest mage and hopefully take one of them hostage to draw out the encounter but still. The battle will have to go quickly as there was no telling what kind of crazy magic they’d use on me.

I moved backward and pushed the mage’s body out the way to make space to dash. I prayed to the Maker as I readied myself for what I was about to do. It was my job as a templar to protect the mages but now that they were compromised- it was my place to put them down like the dogs that they were. If I died…I’d die as a templar in the service of the Maker.

I roared as I charged and banged the door open, the looks on the fools faces were dumbstruck as I moved to tackle the girl I saw from before, she ended up  tumbling over the railing down to the ground below in a loud screech as she hit the ground below with a loud thud. Unfortunately, the large Qunari ripped me down to the ground as several other hands coiled around me but I fought back.

“Cullen! Stop!” The Qunari shouted as I fought against his powerful hands. His sheer size defied reason as he kept me fast as several of the mage’s rushed into the room while many others below screamed in horror.

“SHUT UP!” I cried as I used my strength to break free. The Qunari shouted out as I pushed out of his grip and darted towards the mage in the silken robe but a man I recognized instantly blocked my path. “B-Branson!?”

“Brother…please calm down!” He cried as he took hold of my hands. I heard another scream as an elf that rushed into the room clutched at the dead body and wept.

“NO! Shite! Fucking shite- Josh-Posh’s dead!” She screamed as she clung to the body. The name she used…it was so familiar. I could swear that I felt sad for his death for some reason.

“Josh?” I asked in confusion. Branson looked at me horrified as the mage in the silken robe covered his face with tears streaming down his cheeks and rushed downstairs while the Qunari followed after him in a haze of motion as Branson pulled me into a tear-ridden hug as his leaner arms settled around me. Branson wasn’t one to cry. He was always tough and filled with pride as he kept his emotions out there and ready to strike out to those he considered a threat, to himself and his family. It was weird to say the least as he wept for the mage- unless…he was a thrall. “Who the hell is Josh?”

“The man you…loved and the man who gave himself to you because…he trusted you. You…you killed him in a fit of madness.”

I felt my head throb and I understood exactly what he said in that moment. It was as if a veil was pulled from my eyes as I felt my heart begin to crumble. I turned all too quickly, slipping and racing into the room where I left the mage from before. I saw Neria shaking her head as she approached with a dagger in her hand as she moved swiftly.

“Neria…I’m sorry! I didn’t-“

“You…You fucking bastard!” She screamed and I felt an intense feeling of pain wash over me. She pulled me close and gritted her teeth as she forced the dagger deeper into my chest. I welcomed the pain as it dulled the feeling that overwhelmed me. I saw the world fade as my vision darkened and then…nothing. No sound- no feeling at all but a deep set self hatred that consumed my heart and mind.

Was I dead? I hoped I was.

Life without Josh…Oh Maker…how could I ever live without the man I loved?

 

\---

 

Sound came and went, as did light and feeling. Sometimes a horrible feeling would engulf me suddenly, forcing me to scream out in pain but my mouth would not respond. In fact, my body did not respond at all. There was a distinct feeling in me and I understood it completely once I came to and could not remember how I ended up behind my desk with an empty philter of Lyrium in my hands.

I was made to forget and for the life of me, I could not recall any detail as to what or who I forgot- but there was this feeling…this emptiness that came after the numbness subsided. It was as if I had woken up from a bad dream but I couldn’t tell what was missing. Was a name? A face? A person? A feeling? I could not understand it but the others…Maker…I didn’t have to ask. It was written on their faces. I was responsible for Belle being as traumatized as she was but…there was something else. Their eyes filled with hatred because of said something as well.

They looked at me like I was a monster. Even as I led Inquisitor Lavellan’s troops to victory in the Arbor Wilds as Commander and member of the Inner Circle, my men and women looked at me like I was some kind of abomination, but it didn’t really matter. I was cold and stern to the outside as I ordered and lead to victory but inside, whether I looked at Sulahn or my family or not- the pain I saw in their eyes… defied reason. (What could I have done to warrant such hatred?)

I tried to make myself scarce but _ma_ _ashalan_ …she wanted me to hold her and the latent emotion inside me would push and tear at my heart as she hugged at my chest. I would recall a face briefly as she silently wept against me and somehow I knew that said face was of an important man- but it would be a fleeting moment and then…I wouldn’t be able to recall his face again.

 

\---

 

The Exalted Council was brutal. The Fereldans and Orlesians both cracked down on Alara and I could see her patience (and self-control) was beginning to wear thin as we reached the final Eluvian that led to where Solas was. I expected to see the Qunari Saarabas that the Viddasala had leashed up but she and the mage was dead- torn to pieces as if a gigantic hand ripped them into half.

Alara yelped as we approached a hooded figure, bathed in green light that shone brightly as it perked up at our arrival. It gave me (and only me) a sick grin as I shouted in horror as it moved. A finger clicked and everyone besides myself and Alara was turned to stone as the same green light engulfed us. I knew the feeling it brought. It was an Anchor.

“Go and meet with Fen’Harel while I deal with this miscreant.” The man clothed in black wolf’s fur rasped in an inhuman voice that sent a shiver down my spine. The Inquisitor looked at me, unsure and with concern until the hooded figure pulled back its hood and I took in a visage that my mind knew all too well as I remembered what I had done to Josh.

Alara had no need to be coerced and walked by me with timid steps as she mouthed a low “ _Ir abelas_ ” to me. I merely nodded and turned back to the former-inquisitor who looked at me with hateful eyes as he readied his spear, the very spear I gifted to him in an attempt to woo him. He looked at me and flushed, but at the same time, there was something off about the way he looked at me. “I see you have kept his necklace. This is good. You love him still.”

“Why are you speaking as if you are not him?” I asked with confusion lacing my words. I approached him, unconcerned for my safety as I saw him tighten his hold on the spear. “Have you forgotten who you are?”

“ _I_ am Change.  You merely killed Purpose. He was the one who loved you with all his heart. I just allowed myself to get bound you.” The mage giggled as we began to circle each other. The mage grinned as he pointed to my necklace with his Marked hand. It was then that I realized that the Anchor covered most of his body. “It is called the _Dasemah’lin_ and is the ultimate gift a Dreamer can bestow on his other half.”

“What do you mean?”

“Do you not recall all the bouts of pain you had?  When you were unconscious?”

“I do…but does that have to-“ Josh silenced me and a defiant finger wag and smiled impishly as he approached. He touched the necklace I had on and I felt pain flood my mind that made me scream out loud. “AAH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

“Ngh! Y-You have died more than a hundred times at the hands of the Inquisition. I still love you despite what you did, Cullen. I cannot see you this way. I must lift your veil so that you may think for yourself. Please protect me! You will die if _ma nas_ is lost from the _Dasemah’lin!_ ” Another voice spoke and it was much sweeter than the previous voice. I looked behind me and I let out a sharp gasp as another Josh approached, with a look of empathy and love in his eyes as he encircled my body with warm fingers. I reached for him and let out a yelp as my own fingers went through the man I loved. He was still dressed the same as the day I strangled him. “I-I missed you.”

“I missed you too, but…how is this possible? I must be going mad!”

“Maybe. You killed me. I am…all that remains of myself in the necklace.” Josh then pulled away pointed to the other former-Inquisitor and I felt the mage grab hold of my hand. “My survival is not what matters. He is a demon who has kept me safe…but he has his own plans. Please stop him, Cullen. Please! I want you to live!”

“I will.”

“Solas will tear down the Veil and I will kill the both of you. I will be free!” Change cried as it suddenly screamed out and shifted into the form of a massive dragon. I felt dread fill my heart but a whisper in the air allowed me to resist the fear that gnawed at me and allowed me to shield myself and Josh from the icy breath of Change.

“You were always free, Change. I am sorry you felt subjugated. Please forgive me!” Josh shouted as the dragon whipped its tail out, shattering the statues of our friends instantly. (NO!) I managed to block the worst of the blow and gave Josh a sad look as I felt his hands at my back as the dragon reared up to bite. “I’m so sorry!”

“Josh…I’m sorry for what I did to you.”

“Oh, Cullen…It was a moment of madness. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! ^_^  
> If you have any Bad End suggestions, let me know! :)


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